Gwen's Corner

Ah. The Tied To A Bastard Show. I could make this show report short and just put the word “clusterfuck” and leave it at that…but then Madame Leah would beat me in a non-sexy way and I’d be very sad since I don’t like pain. So I’ll do my best to put what I remember in here. It might not be a lot though. In my defense it WAS a clusterfuck and there was a LOT going on AND I managed to hit the back of my head really hard against the wall backstage so I probably have a concussion…or something. Heh. Virgin Games were quick. Wes didn’t really care about the boys too much and just made them fake the orgasm. One of the guys WAS a regular at Bellbottoms on Tuesdays for Karoke </shameless plug>though. He sings Meat Loaf songs. He won. He faked the orgasm of Woody Woodpecker. His 16 year old brother? I think? Maybe? Anyway, he had a 16 year old with him. Cody thought he was a she and hot. Good times. Girls did the bra race and the winner even flashed the audience. Lots of happy people. Leah announced that the Sci-Fi show HAS BEEN DELAYED. The Church’s silly little “Fetish Ball” is the same night, and while the Bastards tend to be a little…special…we’re NOT stupid. So yes. Delayed, but still scheduled. I don’t know the new date yet though, but as soon as we do we’ll let ya’ll know.

The drawing of the Names. We had two big “wieners” as far as who got the most bastards tied to them. Last year’s biggest winner was Argo. I’m pretty damn sure he had over half the cast attached to him in some fashion. This year it was Austin (he had Gillian, Amy, Mary, and Me) and Jessica (she had Halo, Squid, and uhm…some other people but I don’t remember entirely who. It was a giant cloud of Bastards though.) Danny had James (tall, former Eddie…now on cast again…and his cousin. Bwahaha) Emily got lucky and only had one person as well. Daniel managed to have NONE.

Pfft. So yes. Opening dance was interesting. Two rows of people tied together. And this is where it starts to get confusing. I had gravestones ( meaning, ya know…I hold gravestones, Mary had Denton Sign, Gillian was Columbia, and Amy had nothing) During Damnit, Janet I was the last gravestone so that Mary (who is ALSO attached to Austin) could hold the Denton Sign. Gillian then had us stick there and we were the Coffin for Columbia, Riff, and Mags. THEN. Windshield wipers were fucked up. We had LOTS of windshield wipers. Amy and I used tree branches ( since, ya know, we were trees IMMEDIATELY after) go do trees, hit the Janets, run up the aisle…SLOWLY…and stay near the End because Gillian has to be there for the Window Frame for Riff. We gave Austin a flashlight and put him to work. HA.

Quickly go backstage because Gillian has to put Time Warp shiny-ness on. Time Warp was fun with 80 trillion people tied in ropes of some kind jumping around. Gillian, Amy, and I did Columbia’s bit. I’m happy to say I don’t play Columbia, but I did it right! W007! Tappa-tappa-tappa. Undress. LOTS of people on the fucking elevator. At the point during Creation speech where Magenta and Columbia put their hands on Frank’s shoulder, we all did that in a line and tried to make Fish fall over. It didn’t work. Le Sigh. Undressing Rocky, Wes go SPINNY!! Looks like he’s going to fall over. So Dizzy person leading NOT Dizzy person who is tied to him through the audience. No one died. Sha-la-la’s with 8 people.

We untied Gillian so she could do the lift. Her leash almost hit James in the face. Rocky Marriage. After that 3 of us (Amy, Mary, and I) were done with Austin (since ya know…no more Transies) and left him still tied to Gillian. I went to get water and work on not being sick (it was really hot up there with all the people and the running around) When I came back Toucha was going on. That was a LOT of freaking people in the BRAND, SPARKLING NEW TANK. That’s right, that baby was new. Animal made it over the week. If you do something to break it, he will hurt you and Animal is creative.

Mike (who was playing Crimmie) had handcuffs and we thought it would be amusing to tie me to him and then kill him with the handcuffs. They were the long kind (like a foot and half of space) so I could easily get it around his neck. I felt like a Serial Killer. It was AWESOME. Silly Crimmies. Line dance. HA. LOTS of people for Line Dance and again, no deaths. I was impressed. Squid’s individual floor show as Janet sucked. Good thing Halo is The Awesome. That’s bullshit. I tried to type t-e-h and Word auto corrected it. Fucking Word. Two Dead Franks. Two Dead Rockys. And a Partridge in a trear pee. Last Crimmie scene Mike is on his knees dead and I’m saying my lines (cause I AM the coolest Crimmie evah) while calmly unlocking the handcuffs. Lines done and a push Mike over and I couldn’t help but laugh. James later said “it ruins the effect if you laugh” But he didn’t know why I was laughing. Mike Thuds good when he hits the floor. So does it REALLY ruin the effect If I’m laughing because his death slump was great?