Gwen's Corner

It was supposed to be a simple show. A nice, easy, low stress affair. For we had been up late and traveled far the day before. The A-Kon performance, with its equipment failures and the constant reassurances that no, we were NOT Three More Doritos, was behind us. We could relax on our home turf and slack off a little, right?

Silly rabbit! It's never that simple for the Bad Luck Bastards. But before I explain why, let's look at the Team Bastard Line-Up...

FRANK - Wes
JANET - Eris
BRAD - Saturn
RIFF - Emo
MAGENTA - Bizah
COLUMBIA - Limey
DR. SCOTT - Starman
ROCKY - Sean
EDDIE - Cody
CRIMMIE - Mike
TRANSIES - Chelcei, Squid, Stefanie, Pete, Amy. Ashley, Britt, Shannon, Kirk, Cory, Josh, TJ and Sara Beth.

SPOT A- Scott
SPOT B- Walker
LIGHTBOARD- Mary
SOUND- Daniel and David
GRIP- Cody, Sean, Kirk, Glenn
FLOORWALKERS- Cody, Jason, Glenn and Starman


Okay. So why was this show far from the low-key, easy thing we'd hoped for after the stress of A-Kon? Well, there's more than a few reasons...

1. We had a very drunk woman attempting to sneak liquor and an unauthorized prop pack into the theater. Naturally, she was shocked - SHOCKED! - that we objected to her throwing rice even though our rules say quite clearly that rice is now allowed. And she was further shocked - SHOCKED, I SAY! - to find that the theater management was less than sympathetic when she attempted to complain about us enforcing the rules that they set down when we started performing here.

In the words of the karate instructor from UHF, "STUPIIIIIIIIIID!"


2. Due to a large number of late comers and 'Sex In The City' selling out, we had a delay in getting our show started. This was due - in part - to a large number of our fans who were stuck at the end of the line behind the 'Sex In The City' people who were raising a ruckus over the sell-out. This was also due - in part - to an effort to try and convince some of the overage to come and see Rocky instead of 'Sex In The City' under the logic that "hey, you're already here and dressed up and you can see 'Sex In The City' anytime." Especially if you tune-in to Lifetime: Television for Idiots, where you can see it several times a day in its' original form as "The Golden Girls".

Jason, thank you for that joke. And for being a friend.

Wait. Did I just admit I know part of the lyrics to The Golden Girls theme? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


3. Did I mention how fucking exhausted most of us were from A-Kon?


4. This was the final show of long-time Transie, crazy-shit innovator Navy-Man and all around wonderful guy, Squid. And we paid tribute to Squid in a number of ways which required a bit of last-minute preparation.

* We decorated the theater with cardboard fish - because there are no cardboard squid decorations.
* We played The Village People's "In The Navy" during the creation scene in lieu of our usual sexy dance music.
* We had an entire line of people with beach-balls in a line playing 'Charles Atlas' during the Riff/Rocky bedroom scene. This is because it was Squid who first pioneered the idea of a Transie with a globe playing the Charles' Atlas stained-glass window as well as the idea of the window coming to life and ass-raping Rocky.
* As Squid came to life and ass-raped Rocky for the final time, we played the "You Have AIDS" Barber-Shop quartet song from 'Family Guy'. Actually, I'm not sure if that was a tribute or not - but it was hilarious to watch!


So yes - there was a lot going on behind the scenes that made things a lot weirder and more hectic than usual. But - by that same token - we had a bunch of things that made this show very special and very good.


1. We had one of the best audiences I can remember having in quite some time. Lots of responsive laughter and people who seemed to get that the guys running around in the aisles are a part of the show and not just loud, annoying jerks. Well, we are that as well...


2. Squid's pregnant wife was present. And apropos of nothing, we had an unusually large number of pregnant women in the audience last night. I don't think I was alone in checking to make sure that none of them looked familiar.


3. Virgin Games - oh dear god, this was greatness. We had this one girl in a very short skirt who almost revealed the promised land as she knelt down for the "How Much Do You Suck" game. Amazingly, despite her slutty garb, she lost - but just barely - to the other female contestant - who managed to suck the bottle dry in the one-minute we gave her. And even after they both were given prizes, they flashed the audience.

Later, there was a mysterious wet-spot on the block where she had been kneeling which Fred was all too quick to clean up. With his tongue.

Yes, I AM a John Waters film fan, now that you mention it. How did you know?


4. In honor of Harvey Korman - a great comedian most famous for his work with Mel Brooks and Carol Burnett - who passed on this week, the pledge this week was done in the full tradition of the Hedley Lamar pledge scene from 'Blazing Saddles'.

"Raise your right hand. RIGHT! Repeat after me: I...your name...Shmucks...do pledge allegiance...to Hedley Lamarr... That's *Hedley*! ... and to the e-vil... for which he stands! Now go do, that voodoo, that you do SO WELL!"


5. Tag-Team Eddies - we had a lot of old cast show up to bid Squid farewell. This lead to one hillarious moment where almost all of the Floorwalking team was holding back Cody as James and Preston took over the part of Eddie, tag-team style.


There's a lot more random crazy shit that I'm probably forgetting. But give me a break - I've had perhaps seven hours sleep over the last three days. It's a wonder I'm still able to remember how to type after this.

Fare the well, Squidworth! You will be missed! Whenever I see a man in a tutu roughly sodomizing someone against their will, I will think of you.