Gwen's Corner

This week was the Labyrinth theme show, and it was the themeiest (it's a word, look it up) show that we've done in a long time (or at least the 5 months I've been back on cast). The first thing you noticed when you walked into the theater was OH MY FUCKING GOD, WHAT IS UP WITH ALL THIS GLITTER!!! At least, I did. I even got glitter on my backpack, and I hide that way in the back by the sound guys to keep it away from all the glitter (or Satan's Dandruff as I call it). Anyway,the theater was all gussied up with Labyrinth arts and crafts, and everybody was in costume. Many of the costumes were of the kickass variety; although mine was of the frugal and efficient variety (or as
Madame Leah calls it: cheap and lazy). I was wearing corn around my neck...a Labyrinth is a Maze, Maize is the Indian word for corn...yeah, I'm a bastard. I missed most of the Trixieing because I was outside working security and hearing the same lame ass "Gee, what a corny costume" joke over and over. Seriously? Even if you were the first person to make that joke, it's still a weak joke. By the ninth time, you look like the new guy on "Mad TV". Some alternative punchlines: "That costume makes you look husky", "Are you dressed as a stalker", or "Girls don't like you and you'll die alone". Just because you're in the audience, doesn't give you an excuse to suck.

In honor of the dirty dead corpse of Jim Henson, Starman and I come in to the Muppet Show theme. I explain the Maze/Maize joke to an inattentive audience, then panic because the rules aren't where they're supposed to be. I send KC to the back to retrieve them, and she morphs into Eris and hands them to me by the beginning of the second rule. This is either a testament to the speed of the cast, or the length of Rule Number One (FUCK RULE NUMBER ONE!!!). Nine rules (and 4 bad corn puns) later, it's time to hand it off to Madame Leah, whose magnificent bosom is sprinkled with so much glitter that I begin hungering for Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Panic number two, as the virgin
bucket has gone AWOL, so we handle it like professionals by awkwardly vamping until we decide to just do Virgin Sacrifice. Smell the preparation! Mid-virgining, we do the drawing (Bizah won!), and then Mary makes the virgins do something with fairies and tennis rackets, and then has to clean up tiny bits of crepe paper. That's why my virgin games always involve meat...less cleanup. I stand everybody up for the Pledge, and Wes does his best Bowie was being all androgynous and creepy and rubbing his corn-laden groin all up in my area. Lights go off, I manage not to kill myself getting off stage, and the show begins.

Wes was Bowie-riffic as Frank, and other people did stuff too. To be honest, I don't really keep track of the show that much. Remembering floorwalker lines takes up 90% of my concentration, and the other 9% is thinking about tacos. The last 1% is a secret, so fuck you!

Things I do remember:

-Leah as the one woman windshield wipers
-Fish's painted on 8-pack (which got us funny looks at Old South)
-The awesome Boobi from Austin playing Hoggle/Brad, and bringing her hot girlfriend on the box during dinner scene
-Amy's clanking the entire show. Had I been more awake, I would have made some "More cowbell" references during her scenes
-Mary's whomp-ass Didymus costume...that she didn't build for maximum eyesight potential. Pete should have had a "guide dog" vest on and led her around all night
-I think I saw one of Limey's boobs
-Whoever got water pitchers didn't get ice in them. Lukewarm water fails when you're sweating balls in a full theater
-Speaking of sweating balls, Nuggett must have lost 12 pounds of water weight as Ludo. We should rent him out for children's parties
-I didn't hear much out of the other floorwalkers tonight...if I can still do lines while thinking of hijinks and staring at [name
redacted]'s ass, then so can you!

I love theme shows, since there is way more potential for shenanigans. In this case, it was serenading Donna with "China Girl" during Janet's bedroom scene. Oh, and starting to serenade Boobi with "Under Pressure" during Brad's bedroom scene, but reversing course in mid-stream and going old school with "Ice Ice Baby". No, I am not proud that I still remember the lyrics.

The Floor Show Side Boob Hour was awesome, as always, especially with the carefully timed fart noises during the line dance. I think I put more effort into that than I did for my last history exam (which I got a 95 on, so suck it bitches!). Janet killed Jareth with the power of dinner theater (we should make Cody memorize that speech and perform it in place of the Inigo Montoya line from now on), and then Fish killed me as I was dressed as the big suit of armor/robot thing from the end of the movie. Aluminum foil and no sense of shame are a wonderful combination. I thought I was being clever by putting one of
the red arrows pointing to my crotch, but then I saw a half-dozen
other people doing the same thing on their way out of the theater.

The audience went out into the Lung Cancer Ghetto, and other people cleaned up the theater (they are the true heroes, as they make taco time come faster), and then we all had cast meeting goodness, then got the fizzuck out of thizzere. Until next time, remember: Bring your friends, give me backrubs, and don't drink your own pee!