Gwen's Corner

LOS BASTARDOS LIMITED
In Absolutely No Association With
BROOKSFILMS LIMITED
Presents

Not a Bialystock & Bloom Production

THE ROCKY HORROR MEL BROOKS SHOW!

Not by
Franz Liebkind


CAST

FRANK: Beau as Dark Helmet (Spaceballs)

JANET: Eris as Marian (Men In Tights)

BRAD: Fish as Blinkin (Men In Tights)

RIFF: Starman as Rabbi Tuckman (Men In Tights)

MAGENTA: Amy as Elizabeth (Young Frankenstein)

COLUMBIA: Limey as An Inquisition Nun (History of the World Part I)

DR. SCOTT: Marc as Torquemada (History of the World Part I)

ROCKY: Wes as A Merry Man (Men in Tights)

EDDIE: Cody as Little John (Men in Tights)

CRIMMIE: Jason and Mike as Max Bialystock & Leo Bloom (The Producers)

FEATURING

Madame Leah as Lilly Von Schtupp (Blazing Saddles)
Emily as Ullaingahansenbensonyansentallenhallensvadenswanson (The Producers)
Nugget as The Sheriff of Rottingham (Men In Tights)
Pete as Barf (Spaceballs)

AND

Michael Hitler is Roger De Bris as Adolph Hitler (The Producers)


THE DANCING NAZIS (The Producers)

Amy as Frau Blücher
Ashley as The Dancing Nazi Girl
Cody as The Singing Nazi
Pete as The Dancing Nazi
Wes as The Other Nazi


THE JEWS FROM SPACE (History of the World Part I)

Amy as The Old Rabbi From Space
Starman as The Younger Rabbi From Space


THE MEN (MANLY MEN) IN TIGHTS (Men In Tights)

Beau as Robin Hood Britt as Achoo
Cody as Little John Cory as Will Scarlet
Fish as Blinkin Justin as Random Merry Man
Kirk as Another Random Merry Man Ray as Yet Another Merry Man
Wes as Yes, ANOTHER Merry Man


THE VESTAL VIRGINS (History of the World Part I)

Eris as The Virgin Who Is Fooling No One KC as The Virgin Who Is Quite Illegal
Limey as The Virgin Who Tapdances Meighan as The Virgin With The
Wardrobe Malfunction


LAST AND LEAST

Mary as Light Designer Shirley Markowitz (The Producers)


TECHNICAL STAFF

Scott and Emily – Spotlights Nugget – Light Board
Cody, Paul and Wes – General Schlepping Donna – Photos and Video
Jason, Cody, Wes, Shannon and Marc – Floorwalking and General Kvetching

Directed by
Madame Leah

Presented by No Special Arrangement with Mel Brooks and
Brooksfilms Ltd. New York, New York, Itsa Helluva Town,
who we hope will have a good sense of humor abut all this.


Starman here. I’ve been asked to write the show report for this one because – well, Mel Brooks holds a very special place in my heart. I’ve been a Mel Brooks fan since the tender age of 9, which my parents allowed me to watch Spaceballs with them. I was promptly grounded the next day for trying to watch the movie a second time without parental supervision. My mother was afraid that repeated exposure to the “I’m surrounded by assholes” scene without a lecture on what kind of language was appropriate would turn me into some sort of immoral, potty-mouthed deviant.

She may have had a point.

Regardless, if you missed this show, you missed a lot. Preparations for this show went on for months and every expense was spared cause – well, you know – non-profit theater troupe. But it turned out beautifully, even if I think a good portion of our audience was confused because not everybody has had the benefit of a classical education that I have. So on the odd chance you have no idea who Mel Brooks is, here’s a quick biography.

Mel Brooks is one of the greatest comedians of all time and is widely considered to be the grand master of cinema satire. Like Orson Wells, Mel Brooks is a jack-of-all-trades who produces, directs, writes and stars in most of his own films. Unlike Wells, Brooks means to be funny. Brooks is also one of the few artists to have been recognized as a master in multiple media, having been awarded Oscars for Writing (The Producers and the short film The Critic), Grammys for Performing (The 2000 Year Old Man skits, with Carl Reiner) and Tonys for just about everything (The Producers).

If you’ve watched a comedy anytime in the last twenty years, I can guarantee you that something in it was stolen from Mel. So we found it only fitting – as a bunch of comedians who steal like children in a cookie factory – that we pay tribute to this man with a special Theme show.

Things started off with three separate musical numbers. Most of the Men of Los Bastardos donned tights and jerkins to perform the titular song from Mel Brooks’ famous Robin Hood parody Men In Tights. Madame Leah did her best impression of Madeline Khan impersonating Marlene Dietrich as she performed “I’m Tired” from Blazing Saddles. And the pre-pre-show concluded with Emily’s re-choreographed take on “Springtime for Hitler” from The Producers stage musical. All these were productions were amazing and you could tell everyone worked hard on them (well, except Leah, who pretty much just had to walk around in a corset and look hot) but I think “Springtime” topped them all because the sound-system died in mid-scene change and Mike – who was playing Roger De Bris playing Hitler – had to suddenly start singing instead of lip-singing. Eventually the whole audience started singing along, though nobody really knew the song past the verse “Springtime for Hitler and Germany…” But it was a grand and glorious thing, as was the Virgin Games.

Yes, I was tasked with creating a new Virgin Game that somehow related to Mel Brooks. I think I succeeded with “Going From Suck To Blow”. The way it worked was that first, we got the four most scantily-clad women in the audience. We had been planning on using actual virgins but since we only had three virgins in the whole audience that night and they were all men, my lovely assistant and Virgin Wrangler Eris opted to pick our some of our slutty regulars. Because she knows what I like and what the audience likes. And what we like is watching naughty school girls and women in lingerie and high-heels running across the stage with a straw between their lips, sucking the water from a pitcher on one side of the stage and then running across the stage to an empty pitcher, which they must blow the water into. I could have watched this all night but eventually a winner was chosen and presented a copy of Young Frankenstein.

As for the show itself… well, I can’t do it justice. But I can describe some of the better bits of divine madness.

* The ghostly voice of Slim Pickens telling the audience doing the Time Warp that they weren’t being paid to dance around “like a bunch of Kansas City faggots!”

* “Putting On The Ritz” playing as Rocky was brought to life. No tap dancing, I’m sad to say.

* Little John and Robin Hood dueling with increasingly small sticks.

* The Janet/Frank bedroom scene being replaced with a performance of “The Night Is Young, And You’re So Beautiful” from Men In Tights, complete with the strategically placed sword.

* The Brad/Frank bedroom scene featuring both cries for a Locksmith (also taken from Men In Tights) and cries of “It’s Twue, It’s Twue” from Blazing Saddles, culminating in a Merry Man orgy.

* Torquemada being taken out at the knees by Leo Bloom, requiring a wheel chair for the rest of the show.

* The Dinner Scene involving not the usual long pig but baked beans (with the appropriate sound effects from Blazing Saddles, of course) and fortune cookies for the audience instead of candy.

* Riff and Maggie being replaced in the final moments of the movie by two Jews from Outer Space, who show up to defend the human race from Frank (aka Dark Helmet)

* The Final Crimmie scene, in which Biaylstock and Bloom finally come to blows, with the phrase “fatty fat fat” being yelled, little blue blankets being ripped and Max Biaylstock being comically mounted by Rabbi Tuckman for no readily apparent reason other than Jew on Jew sodomy is apparently very popular in Texas.

* A Schwartz laser sward-fight between Torquemada and Rabbi Tuckman over who is converting who. It ended when Torquemada was circumcised.


Join us next week for a very special “Name Out Of A Hat” show. And again in two weeks for our Holiday Show. And again in three weeks for our Best of 2008 Show! Actually, join us every week! It’s Fort Worth – where else can you see tits bouncing around in front of your face all night for this price? Nowhere! I’ve looked! Boy, how I’ve looked!