Gwen's Corner

Lineup:

Frank: Mr. Saturn (Out with a bug)/ Fish (Out with a vagina)/ Madame Leah (Down with the brown)
J : Halo (Under the weather) / Amy (In n Out)
Brad: Cody (Safe at Third)
Riff: Kirk (First time ever!
Magenta: Donna (Up for drinking)
Columbia: Limey (Out with Bush, In with Obama!)
Dr. Scott: Marc (In a chair)
Rocky: Wes (In the tank)
Eddie: Mary (Up for anything)
Criminologist: Starman (Up to the stars)
Spots: Paul & Emily (On go the lights)
Board: Mike (Out)
Sound1: Sean (In some new wheels)
Grips: Wes (In man panties), Walker (Over his ball trauma), Marc (Out of control), and Ray (Under his hat)
Props: Madame Leah (On stage)
Floorwalkers: Jason (Up for tacos), Starman (In a suit), Marc (On his third mention), and Shannon (On the right side)
Pre-Show: Starman (Up the straw, in the cup)
Show Report: Jason (Up all night)
Piccies: Eris (Out soon for Scarby)
Transies: Ashley (out of her top), Britt (On point), Christie (In an empty house), Cory (In a banana hammock), Eris (In makeup), JJ (Over where?), Josh (Over there!), Justin (Under where?), KC (LOL, Underwear!), Megan (Up from Austin), Nicola (Incognito), Pete (Innerspace), Scott (Underfoot), TJ (Over medium), and Tyffany (Up to no good).



If you've been paying attention at the shows (fat chance), you'll have noticed that we've been playing videos before the show. This is due to the technical genius of Chicago Mike and Matt Daddy. This week, we brought you the instant classic "Jizz in my Pants", and we had a couple of audience members (including one virgin) hop up and dance/sing along to it. Afterwards, images of beautiful tacos popped up on the screen, and I was moved to expend what little reserves of funk I have by dancing to some 98 Degrees. Sadly, Starman did not join me in my dance of taco joy. The rules got well and truly fucked, and then Madame Leah came up to do some announcements. Virgins were then broken in (and out and in and out), then Starman came back to host "Suck to Blow", a game he debuted at the Mel Brooks show. Unfortunately, this week's virgins weren't able to control themselves, and they sprayed all over the stage. Thus, you've probably seen the end of "Suck to Blow". Tune in for Starman's next new virgin game: "Here's A Mop, Now Clean the Fucking Stage So That We Don't Slip and Die". Sure to be a crowdpleaser.

So after all that, we decided to watch a movie. Unfortunately, it was the same movie they show every week. I wanted "Hotel for Dogs", but I was outvoted. Sean continues to play his favorite game: "Who Wants a Shoe?". It's the new Pet Rock, I shit you not. Time is Warped, and then Leah busts a move as Frank. Leah doesn't play core that often, and she plays Frank even less often, so if you got a chance to see it, consider yourself lucky. For Creation scene, Sean decides to give in to Wes' repeated requests for "Blitzkrieg Bop"...unfortunately Wes is playing Rocky, so he's in the tank, unable to dance. Awww...poor Wesley...

*giggle*

Where was I? Oh yeah, at work writing this report. So much toilet paper is hurled and then everybody settles down a little. Mohawk Eddie comes out and proceeds to fuck shit up Van Damme style. In as Stunt Eddie is Chicago Mike, who does a great lift with Limey, much to the delight of the assembled masses...which is to say, they were mostly pissed that her boobs didn't fall out of her corset. :(

Leah and Am get down to business behind a sheet, but the sheet doesn't stay up long, and then all is on display. Literally, because Mary ran down to unhook Amy's bra. Whoo!!! Set them free!!! Kirk, in his first ever performance as Riff, manages to overcome stage fright enough to butt-rape Wes with a chandelier. Then it's Cody's turn with Leah, except that Sean can't hold it in his pants anymore, and he runs down to profess his love for Cody in the most violent way he knows how. All of a sudden, a lovely night of forced love between two men turns into a circa 1986 Four Horsemen beatdown on Cody, and Cody gets whacked in the head by one of the hinges on the Box of Death. Oh cruel irony!

Leah takes out her aggressions on Kirk with a whip (not as fun as it sounds...or is it?), then she finds three and a half topless girls in the Tank (Ashley, Amy, Mary, and Wes, for the record), just chilling out and talking about cupcakes and stickers, or whatever it is girls talk about. Everybody tries to sit down to a quiet dinner, but wouldn't you know it? Another fucking song breaks out. What's with this movie and songs?

Frank chases Janet around for a while, only it's to the classic Benny Hill Show theme. I used to do this bit some 8-9 years ago when we were in Bedford, and it was great to be able to bring it back. The transies all got into the act too, which made me very pleased. It was worth getting winded (after 90 seconds of running, because I am out of shape) for. The chase comes to an end, and then
















































the film breaks...
















However, a little thing like "No movie" can't stop Los Bastardos! We could perform the show in a volcano!

***Note to anyone who owns a volcano: please don't hire us to perform there***

Leah insists on three things from this cast: Screen accuracy, bribe her with food at all times, and know your characters lines. Thus, the cast is able to complete the scene without much of an interruption at all. Thanks to the lightning fast reflexes of Matt Daddy, the film comes back on a few minutes later...

...at the exact point where it broke...

...as Brad, Janet, Rocky, Columbia, and Frank are getting changed for Floorshow...

...Never fear, for that's why we have 87 people on cast! A few of us sprinted up to the stage to fill in for the absent characters, and Leah came back out wrapped in a sheet to "re-Frankify" that part of the movie. Soon we had caught back up, and the rest of the show went off without a hitch.

Oh yes, so they get to the point where they're about to kill Frank, and Riff is backing him down the aisle at laser-point. Last week, I added an Obama-getting-assassinated joke to the "Inigo Montoya" speech (come to the show if you don't know what I'm talking about...and bring money!), and of course I had to tell our resident Obama campaign volunteer, Limey. So this week, she's prepared for me, and as I begin the "I'm Barack Obama!" part of the line, she clamps her hand over my mouth and wrestles me to the ground (which is impressive because she's a third of my size). I still pop back up in time to do the punchline, and she rewards me by hitting me in the back. Hard. With fists. Still worth it...

After the show, lots of groping occured, and then we cleaned up and got the fudge out of there.


Remember, next week (January 24th) is our Cartoon theme show. Also, if you're on Facebook, we have a profile on there, and a group for you to post about how much you love us and how much you want to bring more money and spend it on us. BRING MONEY!!!