Gwen's Corner

Frank: Ashley (Deep Throat)
Janet: Leah (The Devil in Miss Jones)
Brad: Mary (Where The Boys Aren't)
Riff: Halo (Hentai)
Maggie: KC (Barely Legal)
Columbia: Emily (Vagina Monologues)
Dr. Scott: Limey (Behind the Green Door)
Rocky: Nikcola (Black Debbie Does Dallas)
Eddie: Amy (Caligula)
Criminologist Shannon (Full Metal Ball-chemist)
Sweet Clean Transies: Christy (Sweet), Eris (Clean), JJ (Hey, stop stealing my initials!), TJ (No way, you stop stealing MY initials!)
Hideous Vomit-Inducing Ladyboy Transies: Beau (Boner Kryptonite), Britt (Good thing it's Black History Month), Cory (Banana Hammockless), Josh (Fluffer), Saturn (His makeup gun was set to whore), Pete (If only his camoflage bra had actually left him invisible), Fish (Looks like a girl anyway), Ray (Backup Fluffer), Sean (OH GOD, THE HORROR)
Tech: Walker (Spot), Scott (Other Spot), Donna (Board), Nuggett (I just assume he was there)
Sound: Mike (Big Coat), Ray (Small Hat)
Grips: Kirk (Scrawny), Cody (Burly), Paul (Squirelly), Marc (Don't call him Shirley)
Props: JJ (Juggs!)
Floorwalkers: Starman (Thankfully, didn't wear lingerie), Jason (Ditto), Cody (Got glitterjacked), Marc (Also didn't wear lingerie)

Valentine's Day is a made up holiday that only exists to shoehorn consumerism into existing relationships, and make single people want to listen to Depeche Mode and cut themselves with a razor blade. However, Los Bastardos was here to reverse the whip and give people an alternative to Hallmark's dog-and-pony show: an All Girl Lingerie Show! It was pretty much sensory overload as the ladies (and regretably, some of the men) of our cast and audience brought out their frilliest bits of fluff and put the goods on display...even moreso than usual.

We started, as always, with some music and dancing as the sold out (!!!) audience poured into the theater. By request, it was a grrrl power-heavy playlist, and I feel dirty for having those songs on my computer now.

After we got the masses settled in, we were treated to another amazing musical preshow. This time it was Cell Block Tango from the musical Chicago. Emily did a great job choreographing this for our stage, and Amy, Ashley, JJ, Eris, Emily, and Halo did a flawless rendition of it for the packed house. Unfortunately, we didn't get it on video...but that just means that they'll just have to perform it again at a future show! Lucky us, eh? :)

Starman and I came down to the stage as usual to kick off the preshow part of preshow (it makes sense to me, dammit!), but we were tricked backstage by Pete, who promised us tacos and comics, but only delivered a chloroform-soaked rag and a beating. Thus, Mary and Leah replaced us for an All Girl Preshow, which from what I could hear backstage, went really well. Mary had a new virgin game involving taco shells (woot!) and whipped cream (also woot!) and managed not to get anybody high off of nitrous.

If you come to next week's show, and some of the cast or audience show up with no eyes, it's because they dug them out with their own fingers (Blind Mab style) after seeing Beau's outfit during preshow. Just when I think he's hit rock bottom with his show costumes, he digs down a little deeper and comes up with another dry heave causing outfit. It literally cleared the stage. Ugh, I think I just vurped a little having to type that.

Okay, so the movie starts, and there were quite a few first timers in their roles tonight. Nikcola and KC were playing core for their first time ever, and did a fantastic job of it. Ashley, Halo, Mary, and I think Amy and Limey were playing their roles for the first time too, and they also did great jobs. It's as if they rehearsed their parts on their own or something...*glares at certain unnamed cast members*

Leah and Mary make an interesting couple, Mary being more manly than at least two of Leah's roommates and all. Ooh, and now they're making out, that's awesome. Leah is all pink and frilly, Mary is dressed like a dude. Halo is a creepy-hot-creepy leather Riff. Emily is sparkly and KC is fully covered in accordance with Texas state law.

Time Warp!

Ashley comes down as Frank, wearing roughly one and half square feet of material...not that anyone is complaining. Well, I guess some people might complain, but those people can collectively eat a dick. More dancing, more words, then we play Squeeze Toy for Creation scene; a song that has two main characteristics.

1) It sucks
2) It gets Leah up and dancing on the box

So it's my new favorite song ever.

After that, Meighan/Nikcola/Black Debbie pops up in a little gold outfit and runs around the theater. Considering everyone was wearing heels, it's amazing that no one snapped their ankle in twain over the course of the show. Also, much bouncing occured, and no one popped out...well, mostly anyway. Nikcola lifts some weights and gets covered in about a metric ton of glitter. Seriously, it was like someone loaded 12 pixies in a shotgun then hit her with it at point blank range. Then she got it all over Cody, who was shirtless, and so he was glittery all night...and she still had enough glitter on her to take care of the needs of 1600 strippers. Then Amy came out on her cycle...giggle...and danced/made out with Emily. If this was a movie, some asshole Christians would have reviewed us badly on their website by now.

Bedroom scenes were pretty awesome, what with Mike busting out "Mr. Edible Underwear Inventor", then the Transies finally giving in to public pressure and dropping the sheet so we could see the hot Ashley-on-Leah action. They must be farmers, because they produced a bumper crop of boners during that scene. Then Halo took liberties with Nikcola from behind (also hot), and then Ashley and Mary had some good times behind the blue sheet.

This is turning into fanfiction, I know, but at least it's the good kind and not the weird kind like Quantum Leap slash fiction.

As if the girl/girl action wasn't already at dangerously high levels, Leah heads over to the tank to give some sweet love to Nikcola (or someone left a sandwich in there), and KC and Emily have lesbian raffle fun with some girl in cat ears (which brings it into yet another level of fanfiction hell), then Leah and Nikcola bail on the tank to go smother someone in the audience with their combined mammaries. So much breast...so very much breast. Hold on, I need a moment here...

(baseball...baseball...)






(Bea Arthur naked...Bea Arthur naked...)





(Beau...Beau...)



Okay, better now...except I'll never eat food again. Anyway, some other stuff happened and I made the ill-fated decision to show some male tit to an unappreciative audience. Jerks. Yeah, I'm talking to you.

So Ashley whips Halo (but not nearly long enough, and I think Halo will agree with me on that point) and then Limey rolls down as Dr. Scott...in a corset...which is awesome. This is Limey's last show for a while, she's stage manager for the actual Rocky Horror Show (like, on a stage, not in front of the screen), up at UNT. She's taking a break from Rocky...to do Rocky. It's like Groundhog Day, but with more fishnets. In the tank are Leah, Nikcola, JJ, and Eris, all covered with just one sheet. In the interest of fairness, I attempted to remove the sheet and set the octoboobs free, but their grip was just too strong, even with Cody and Starman helping. Nudity denied, we went back to floorwalking, while the ladies sat down for a healthy meal of candy and more candy. Mmmm...candy...

Ashley chased Leah around for a while, and we all followed along with the Benny Hill theme (aka: instant comedy gold). I love that the rest of the cast gets into it, and then we have a dozen or more people running around and paying tribute to one incredibly horny British dead guy.

All the ladies managed to change into new lingerie for floorshow, and then hopped into the pool scene to reenact a scene or two from The L Word...it was hot, but if you were in the back of the theater, then all you got to see was Cody. Not a fair trade. Sucks to be you.

Just as the sexual tension on stage was about to reach a fever pitch, Halo and KC busted in to break it all up. Halo had an eyepatch on (no word on whether she was the recipient of an Angry Pirate or not), and then shot the hell out of Emily, Ashley, and Nikcola. Everybody got to bow, then we all went outside, where those of us with pants got to have a good laugh at the expense of those who just got frostbite on their cooter.