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The Inwood Theatre
MIDNIGHT

Dec 27th


The Texas Theatre
10PM

Jan 30


Gwen's Corner

Show report for Saturday February 28th

The Dear God Leah Is Away Show!

Report by Starman

For the
BENEFIT of SEVERAL VIEWERS
MR. O’BRIEN & MR. SHARMAN'S
Much admir'd Comedy
T H E R O C K Y H O R R O R
P I C T U R E S H O W
OR
AS MUCH AS YOU LIKE IT FOR NOTHING
being a comedy of errors regarding the difficulties of young love
and of getting a damned thing done properly around here
was performed with appropriate Scenery Dresses etc.
by
Starmanic, beloved smartass and hero,
Mr. M. ATT
Dock, an irregular regular,
Mr. D. OCTORD
Donnasan, an acting director,
Ms. D. ONNA
Dante, the manager on duty who was not supposed to be here today,
Mr. D. ANTE
Miggins, a birthday girl,
Ms. E. NREHTON
Virgins, groupes and various other hangers-on,
The CHORUS

spotter of lights, Mr. S. COTT
spotter of other lights, Mr. W. ALKER
switcher of lights and disobedient cast, Ms. D. ONNA
walkers of floors, Ms. S. HANNON, Mr. S. TARMAN & Mr. M. ARC
music (perform'd many a timebefore), Mr. M. IKE & Mr. REI


dr frank n. furter, Mr. B. EAU
janet, Ms. E. EMILY
brad, Mr. C. ORY
riff, Mr. K. IRK
magenata, Ms. J. J
columbia, Ms. A. MEI
dr scott, Mr. P ETE
rocky, Ms. M. Ary
eddie, Mr. R. EPETE
criminologist, Mr. S. TARMAN

the transies and other objects inanimate and exanimate

Ms. C. HRISTY, Mr. J. USTIN, Ms. K. SEE, Mr. P. AUL,
Mr. REI, Mr. M. ARC, Ms. N. ECOLI and Mr. B. RITT

the director, Mdm. L. EAH

the producer, Mr. E. BLACKADDER

To conclude with Rule Bastardia in full chorus
NO MONEY RETURN'D
C) LBL MMIX




ACT I
SCENE I. Ridgmar. A platform before the theater.

STARMANIC at his post. Enter to him DOCK

DOCK
Who's there?

STARMANIC
Nay, answer me: stand, and unfold yourself.

DOCK
Long live the Elvis!

STARMANIC
Dock?

DOCK
He.

STARMANIC
You come most carefully upon your hour.

DOCK
'Tis nearly struck twelve.

STARMANIC
Aye: 'tis bitter cold,
And I am sick at heart.

DOCK
Aye, I can imagine.

STARMANIC
I long to abandon this handing out of programs
And dally for a time with yonder virgins.

DOCK
Methinks they eyes fail you, friend.
Yonder wenches be neither virgin nor maiden.

STARMANIC
Doubtlessly they would not be after our dallying.

DOCK
Ah, truly thy perversion is exceeded only by thy waistline.
STARMANIC
High praise indeed from one such as yourself. Were you not indulging in such sinister sarcasm when I was still in short pants?

DOCK
Aye, but verily that was but last week!

STARMANIC
And last week it was still warm enough for short pants! Though none seem as short as the pants on yonder *cough* virgin maiden.

DOCK
Though I see no skirt, I do believe that doth stretch the definition of pants as surely as the sight of it stretches the fabric of my pants. But enough of this tomfoolery – hast thou seen Donnasan?

STARMANIC
Not for some time. Tis a busy night with the Lady Leah absent along with most of our clan and Donnasan in charge of the household.

DOCK
Indeed, I had heard of this and can only imagine the handful she has keeping thy roguish brood in order.

STARMANIC
Ha! If order it could be called. There has already been some drama of which I was not told the details, caring not.

DOCK
Indeed?

STARMANIC
And apparently Nicola has fallen ill of the belly flux and Mary – being the only other one trained in her part – has taken over, yet not having the proper jerkin or hose for the part.

DOCK
A sad thing to be sure. Well, I had best be getting to my post. It looks to be a lively crowd.

STARMANIC
Aye, lively if not large. But large enough for such a foul night.

Enter DONNASAN


DONNASAN
Dock! I have need of you.

STARMANIC
Ha! Words no woman of woman borne has said in many a year.

DOCK
Hush wastrel! Donnasan, how may I aid you this night?

DONNASAN
We have need of a photographer this evening. Can you sit and use a camera?

DOCK
Well, I can certainly sit. And I have used a camera before. Mayhaps I can manage both at once!

DONNASAN
Tis good.

Enter DANTE

DANTE
I bring good news to your troupe.

DONNASAN
Good news would be much welcome now. Speak.

DANTE
Thy theatre is out of tickets.

DONNASAN
How now! A sold out crowd!

DOCK
This is good news!

STARMANIC
(to himself) A sold out crowd?

DANTE
Aye, tis filled to the brim. But hark, I must hasten away. For our projectionist is sick with the belly flux as is most of our crew. Indeed, today was meant to be a day of ease for me and I was not supposed to be here today.

Exit

DOCK
Me wonders if his girlfriend has kissed 36 coxcombs before his own.

DONNASAN
Yours is not to question. We must be away. Follow me.

Exit

DOCK
That’s the truth of it! Farewell, Starmanic!

STARMANIC
And you, likewise, Dock.

Exit

STARMANIC
This makes little sense. We are sold out yet
In my hand I hold one whole score of sheets.
Donnasan is not a frivolous one.
And never makes more sheets than we have seats.
I will investigate this shortly and
find the truth of it. Mark it well, fair gods!

Exeunt

*****

ACT II
SCENE I. Ridgmar. The lobby of a theater.

STARMANIC at his post. Enter to him MIGGINS

MIGGINS
Good morrow, sir. Is the box office still open?

STARMANIC
It should be. Though I do not work here, how may I help?

MIGGINS
Are you with the players, sir?

STARMANIC
Aye! The finest players in the land for tragedy, comedy, history, pastoral, pastoral-comical, historical-pastoral, tragical-historical, tragical-comical-historical-pastoral, scene individable, or poem unlimited.

MIGGINS
Aye?

STARMANIC
Aye. Though mostly we just prance about in fishnet tights and gyrate.

MIGGINS
For that relief much thank!. Tis my birthday, and I had hoped to see such a show with my husband, who has dressed as the most exalted Furter in my honor.

STARMANIC
And verily thou are dressed well for the part of the serving strumpet Magenta. But go to– you said the box office was closed?

MIGGINS
Indeed, milord.

STARMANIC
This puzzles me greatly. For I had heard not a few moments hence that our show was sold out.

MIGGINS
Oh milord, you do overcome me!

STARMANIC
Gladly, but your husband has the look of a jealous man and even if you told him it was your idea I would not chance it.

MIGGINS
Milord?

STARMANIC
Let it pass, dear lady. Let it pass. Returning to the matter of your tickets, I can scarcely believe what I am told! The crowd assembled here seems incapable of that task.

MIGGINS
It seems sizeable enough to me, milord.

STARMANIC
Aha, one inexperienced in such things might think that! But such a mob would barely fill but a third part of that divine orifice. But hark! Wait thee here and I shall find the truth of it!

Exeunt

SCENE II. Ridgmar. The backpart of the lobby of a theater.

Enter STARMANIC and DANTE

DANTE
It is not that I doubt your word, sir. But the computers are quite exact and…

STARMANIC
Do not hide behind the computer, sir!
A wonderous device it is, but not a perfect one.
Doubt you your own eyes?
Remember not the sight of this lobby a fortnight ago?
Packed to the packing it was!
As tightly packed as the flesh in the corsets
Of yonder virgin maidens.

DANTE
I think your eyes fail you if-

STARMANIC
It has already been said and said better!
My point is this: the earth did quake underfoot
Upon that night of yore. And yet this night
In which you say we have equal number, I hear no quaking.

DANTE
Mayhaps someone did purchase many tickets earlier?

STARMANIC
Aye! Aye, that may be the truth of it.
But I propose a deal.
Let them stay here – wait a time.
They shall stay out from underfoot.
T’would be a shame to send them home
After they have traveled so far a field
And dressed in their finery.
We shall fill the theater with those that came before.
And if seats exist yet untouched by bum and bottom,
Will you then take their money and see their seats seated?

DANTE
Aye. Tis a fair plan!

STARMANIC
A bargain then!

Exeunt

*****

ACT III
SCENE I. Oceania. The deck of a ship bound for Barbary.

CHORUS
Hail to Starmanic, the wisest of course
Hail to Starmanic, who is hung like a –


***

Hey folks. It’s Shannon. I apologize for this show report. I could tolerate the fake Shakespeare stuff… which had NOTHING TO DO WITH THE SHOW. But I am not going to sit here and watch you all be subjected to Starman’s attempts to rewrite The Pirates of Penzance as an ego-fueled tribute to his manhood. Or lack thereof.

Despite some confusion over the theater being sold out (they accidentally limited the ticket sales to the number of tickets we could sell to the number of seats in one of the smaller theaters) and a few problems with the lights before the show started, things went pretty well. Although I know Donna is already planning to have the weekend off the next time Leah is out of town. So will I. And Starman will have to be in charge! So ha-ha!

So hats off to Donna, who did a great job managing things under some very difficult circumstances. And to the theater manager that night, whose name isn’t really Dante, but he WAS working the late shift on his day off and doing all the manager AND projectionist duties and yet he still had time to help us with everything we needed doing.

And Congratulations Trey and Boobi!

We now take you – despite out better judgment – to the end of Starman’s “show report”.


***

STARMANIC

If this report leaves you confuse-ed
Know that the smart folks were amuse-ed.
For this report I put on the ritz.
Now beauteous maidens; show me your tits!

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