Gwen's Corner

Oh my goodness, so we normally do a Pirate show, and a Ren Fair(e) show, but this year we fired them at each other at high speeds and smashed those bitches together into one superawesomemegahappyfunshow, also known as the Pirate/Ren show. But first, the cast:

Frank: Wes
Janet: Eris
Brad: Fish
Rocky: Nuggett
Magenta: Shannon
Columbia: Amy
Dr. Scott: Marc
Rocky: Britt
Eddie: Mary
The Criminologist: Starman

Transies: Ashley, Beau, Buttons, Christy, Cory, Emily, Gus, Halo, Jery, Jon, KC, Kirk, Lyndi, Mandy, Megaaaan, Napoleon, Pete, Scott, and Vex

Tech: Paul, Bizah, Mike, Walker, and Danny
Grips: Charles, Cody, Kirk, and Jeremy
Props: Halo
Floorwalkers: Mr. Saturn, Charles, Cody, and Jeremy
Piccies: Donna

Jesus Fucked Up Christ, is that enough people on cast yet? Four more people join, and we get to elect a representative to Congress!

Okay, so two theme shows in one...how do I do a report? Do I use a pirate theme? Do I do it in filthy Rennie style? More importantly, what's this dart doing in neck?

*thud*

Hello, my name is...not important. I am a ninja, sent to report on this show. Yes, I was watching the whole time. You didn't see me, because I am a ninja, and thus sneaky.

First off, I stood very quietly in the back of the theater while the audience filed in. It wasn't hard, there was loud music playing, and hot wenches were dancing to the music. I could have slit 30 throats during the dancing, but my orders were not to kill...yet.

Preshow...happened. Rennie virgins had to do a soap relay race (which I would have won with ninja skills), and Pirate virgins had to do the Truffle Shuffle (from the Goonies). I've never seen the Goonies, I was always watching American Ninja, Three Ninjas, and any episode of GI Joe with Stormshadow in it.

The show began, and I used my ninja claws to climb to the ceiling of the theater. From there, I carefully observed some people who made the poor decision to wear heavy layers in August. However, those layers were too thick for my shuriken to penetrate, so I couldn't assassinate them. One of the cast people was wearing all black, so I thought he might have been a ninja. However, there are no homosexual ninjas, so obviously I was mistaken. Later on, a small man in a cape walked on stage, but then had women's clothing on underneath. Obviously some kind of hideous ninja transformation technique, meant to throw off the opponent and make them claw their eyes out.

Eventually, a heavily bandaged (obviously wounded in a katana fight) man popped up out of a healing trance, and ran to escape the hellish she-male. He looked like Wilt Chamberlain from Enter the Dragon, except a lot smaller, and with fewer sexual partners. And no money.

I continued firing blowgun darts into the audience, while the cast continued to evade my deadly kunai knives. The half-man came out with a skull and crossbones on his underpants.

***AN IMPORTANT NOTE***

The skull and crossbones on Wes' underpants was NOT part of the pirate theme, it was a warning label from Poison Control.

-If you have taken Wes' penis orally, and have not already vomited, then induce vomiting immediately and call 911

-Lock Wes' penis away, out of the reach of small children and pets

-If Wes's penis has already emitted a thin, milky discharge, just hang yourself, it'll be faster

This has been an important announcement.

***ANNOUNCEMENT OVER***

Space Pirates attempted to murder the gender merged interloper, but space guns are no match for sneaking up behind an enemy and snapping their neck cleanly, then fading away into the shadows. As Brad and Janet attempted to sneak away, I threw a ninja smoke bomb and made my own escape. I AM A NINJA!!!