Gwen's Corner

I hate all of you. I have nothing but contempt and scorn for the whole wretched lot of you, and if it was possible to do the show without an audience, I'd dance in the streets.



PSYCH!!! (I'm bringing it back)

Anyway, we do appreciate you, the filthy proletariat, and so we occasionally do nice things for you. In this case, this week's show was brought to you by the long-defunct Bastard Lottery. Sprinkled in with the tickets were some "pick a cast member to play any part" ones, and those got cashed in tonight to bring you Halo as Frank and Saturn as Rocky...FOR THE FIRST TIME EVERRRRRRRRRRRRR. That's right bitches, thirteen R's. Here's the whole lineup:

Frank- Halo
Janet- Ashley
Brad- Wes
Riff- Marc
Maggie- Emily
Columbia- Amy
Dr. Scott- Starman
Rocky- Saturn
Eddie- Pete
Crimmie- Shannon
Transies- Beau, Bizah, Britt, Buttons, Cody, Cory, Fish, Gus, Jery, Jon, KC, Lyndi, Mandy, Melissa, Napoleon, Paul, Vex
Spot A- Scott
Spot B- Mary
Board- Danny
Sound- Walker, Nuggett
Grip- Walker, Danny, Cody, Kirk
Props- Leah
Floorwalkers- Jeremy, Sean, Shannon, Charles, Starman Matt

Okay, so if you were at the show this week, you noticed that you got into the theater faster than normal. That's because we're awesome. YOU'RE WELCOME, AMERICA.

So we got rules out of the way, then Madame Leah came up to do some announcements and look hot and stuff. She announced that Shannon is our newest Bastard of the Quarter, but before Shannon could say anything, Kanye West (looking a lot taller and whiter than usual) came in and interrupted the celebration.

Mary came up to subject our virgins to a Pirate themed game (it being International Talk Like A Pirate Day), and then we all grabbed our crotches and repeated things that Starman said.

The show started, and Ashley made her debut as Janet. Wes made his...whatever the opposite of a debut is, except that he's not stopping anything. But he was Brad. But not really. he was still Wes, just Wes in a suit. And glasses. But Wes wears glasses too. Well, sometimes. Sometimes he doesn't. Oh, and Ashley has a vagina. It's a fact.

Shannon was the Crimininininololologist, and she had too many Pixy Sticks. And by "too many", I mean "any". We all found out that if you're wearing all black, it's pretty difficult to see you do the "climb that tie" bit.

Leah's boobs were on full display tonight. Not full, like free swinging funbags with full on nipplage, but there was pretty sweet real estate to stare at while supposedly taking notes. Umm...in theory. You know, all of us, not just me in particular.

A manservant opened a portal, then a maid slid down a banister. Garishly dressed revelers observed strict rhythmic gyrations, followed by a prismatic dervish and then a mass denouement.

Then Halo came down in her pink Frank ensemble. It was pink...and black...like the Hart Foundation. She did dancing and whatnot, and touched Marc and propped her shoes on Amy, while Emily sneered and thought about the United Nations.

Kanye showed up again around this point too. I thought about working a Kanye joke into this section of the report, but that's too obvious.

YO, I'MMA LET YOU FINISH..BUT THIS IS THE MOST OBVIOUS JOKE OF ALL TIME!!! OF ALL TIME!!!

Saturn emerged from the tank, and sat on the edge like a girl. He had a sharp suit on, and a top hat, and a cane, and a boner. No, wait...I had the boner. Mmm...boobs. He managed to perform himself into doing Rocky on a regular basis by being all competent and shit. An application of gigantic glitter and three pushups later, and he was all sexified and whatnot. But then, a giant beard pushed one-third of a motorcycle around for a while. It was truly 4 minutes of something happening.

Oh yeah, so Leah had never seen the clip (or even heard the story) of that girl who pooped on the floor in the first episode of Flavor of Love 2. I feel proud to have popped her "horrific reality TV moment" cherry. Moving on...

Halo and Ashley made out, which was awesome. Then Marc humped Saturn, which was the opposite of awesome. It not only negated the making out, but also the next three times that any girls make out at the show. Then Halo and Wes did sheet action, and in honor of the dirty dead corpse of Patrick Swayze, they recreated the pottery scene from Ghost. Then Halo stuck her head up Wes' ass. Silhouettes are fun!

Saturn got all up in the tank, and had a former roommate reunion, but then Danny and Sean came around to totally Shawshank that ass. Marc got beaten by Halo (wearing...wait for it, more pink), and then Wes got poked by Halo in where his chest would be if he didn't have the body of a preemie. Then Starman drove his car onstage and through a wall, and killed a guy.

Wait, no, that was Billy Joel.

Running happened. I didn't participate. I took notes. Like a good boy.

Floorshow was fun, as most of the people on there have done it many many times, just not in that configuration. Ashley did a great job as the newbie on the line.

http://www.losbastardos.com/photos/resized/20090919/20090919%20228.jpg

I may start going steady with the above picture.

Everybody went away but us, and then we loaded up the trailer for our excursion to Denton. Yep, if you read this before Friday the 25th, we'll in Denton doing a Friday night show. Come to it. I don't care how far away you live, go anyway.

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