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The Inwood Theatre
MIDNIGHT

Dec 27th


The Texas Theatre
10PM

Jan 30


Gwen's Corner

Show report for Saturday February 24th

Bastard Gras

Report by Starman

Howdy-ho, freak-a-rinos!

This is Starman – the ever-lovin co-MC and floorwalker of Los Bastardos. Today, it is my distinct honor and privilege to tell you about the show that was Bastard Gras 2007.

The opening pre-show was everything you could hope for. Stripping Halo. Stripping Cody. “Rock You Like A Hurricane” and “We’re Not Gonna Take It!” blaring on the speakers. Good times, folks. Good times. And then came the special pre-show games.

Rather than do the usual thing where we drag some clueless virgins up on stage, Animal did something special. In this case, we dragged up two couples made up of some of our regulars; Whitey and Heather AND Wolf and Candice (my apologies if there is a misspelling). They were given a bag full of assorted objects and told that – as a dedication to the tragedy in New Orleans - they must build a usable raft out of said objects.

There were quite a few jokes made during this time that I won’t repeat – except one, because I managed to offend die-hard Rocky folk with it. Animal made some remarks about how Whitey should be good at this on account of his being of Mexican or Chicano (I thought that was a type of tequila!) heritage. I said that Animal was probably thinking of Cubans, not Mexicans being the great raft builders.

This is not to say that I do not think Mexicans cannot make great rafts – just that they don’t get as much practice. It’s like how I don’t think an Italian could beat an Irishman in a drinking contest. But let us move on before I offend any more nationalities further.

But yes… it was a fun thing to watch as the show continued on. Especially since Whitey wound up using his equipment to bind his soon-to-be ex-girlfriend Heather. I think Animal might have given him points for that, had he not forgotten to tie her ankles together. If there’s nothing experienced men like us cannot stand, it’s watching an amateur make such a basic mistake. There’s no point in tying a victim’s hands together if she can just walk away or kick you. So the event was won by Wolf, who got a very special prize – dinner cooked for him by Animal. Yes, Animal doing something nice. I’m as shocked as you are!

This show was also special for reasons other than it being the 3rd Annual Bastard Gras and Animal being nice. Due to the rather nasty winds that hit the DFW area most of Saturday – to say nothing of the massive dust storm that turned the skies themselves red – it was hard for any planes to land at DFW. Why does this matter? Because our very own Katie was due to land on one of those planes.

So with Gillian away to Austin for the weekend and Eris also otherwise occupied, we did not have a single woman in town who knew the part of Janet. No one, except the woman of the hour – a woman who, by sheer virtue of organizing the motley crew that is Los Bastardos into a slightly less motley team of professional actors, knew the part of Janet though she had never played it before.

I speak, naturally, of our director: Madame Leah. It was her first time playing Janet but you wouldn’t have known it or believed it were you there to watch it. Actually, you probably would have since she told everyone of the casting change at the start and how she had never played Janet before. She’s a lot of things but Madame is no lair – and you can slap me around and call me Susan if you think otherwise.

Seriously, she did great. And as soon as she signs off on the video footage I took of the evening, you can see how great she was and shower her with praise and gifts. Mostly gifts. E-mail her for a list of sizes and favorite candies.

As for the rest of the cast…

FRANK: Mr. Saturn – honestly, this man is a class-act no matter what he does, be it small parts, Frank, tech or web page work. It still amazes me that he just started playing Frank a relatively short time ago because it looks like he’s been doing it for years. And to think, a year ago he wasn’t even on cast!

BRAD: Fish – Ah yes. Not quite an Aqua Man but not quite a Fish Boy. But like Aquaman, Fish’s outfit this week made him look really gay during floorshow. Seriously – green vest with black underwear – what were you thinking? You might as well have put a target on the back of your shorts and hung a sign around your neck saying “Hello Sailor!” Despite this, good job as Brad.

RIFF: Glenn – This was Glenn’s last show for a while, which is a shame because he is a damn fine Riff Raff. And tonight was especially fine. Still a Marine’s gotta do what a Marine’s gotta do. And I’m sure I speak for all of Los Bastardos and our fans when I wish Glenn the best of luck doing what he’d doing.

MAGENTA: Angie – It takes a lot to weird me out but Angie really frightens me sometimes. Like this week, in which she took on the appearance of a living dead doll with a very zombieish appearance. I’m not sure if this was a round-about Mardi Gras = New Orleans = Voodoo = Zombies meme or if it was just creepy gothicness for the sake of creepy gothicness. Looked cool either way.

COLUMBIA: Amy – This lady puts so much work into all of her costumes, I feel embarrassed that I keep doing el-cheapo things like “Drunk Frat Guy”. It was purple, green and yellow and she had a little jester staff (there’s some technical name for it, but I’m too tired to look it up) and she was quite the merry Mardi Gras Harlequin.

DR. SCOTT: Mike – Ah yes. His shirt made me laugh out loud – the man of the Morbidly Obese Sunday shirt to go along with Fat Tuesday. I liked his Mike Brown outfit from last year a little better, but I’m a fan of sick and twisted social commentary.

ROCKY: Cody – the man they call Crocodile Hunter, he has come to own the part of Rocky very quickly. Personally, I think he looks more like Wash from Firefly than Steve Irwin but nobody cares about my opinions. He was wearing shiny shorts – shinier than usual – and glitter.

EDDIE: Preston – dressed as a FEMA worker. And boy is that fitting. Like FEMA, Eddie comes in about halfway through the disaster, doesn’t stay long and winds up making a big bloody mess before feeding everyone and making them sick. Yes, there’s more of that sick and twisted social commentary I was talking about earlier.

CRIMMIE: Shannon – Shannon did a good job…. WHEN SHE WAS PAYING ATTENTION! Seriously, she was just sitting there during the whole bit where the Crimmie is supposed to be talking before “Toucha Toucha Me.” I had to nudge her in the right direction. And yes, I know that I am the last person in the world who has any write to give anyone shit about missing cues as Crimmie, but since Leah was busy acting SOMEONE has to take note of these things and it may as well be me.

TRANSIES: Star, Manda, Wes, Halo, Marc, Squid, Josh & Bizah. –Transies remind me of the description of The Proteans in “A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum” –‘three who do the work of thirty’. Well, usually it’s more like twenty who do the work of two-hundred but though their numbers were diminished this week, the Transies still kept putting up the signs, moving around props and pretending to be excited by hearing Frank talk. It’s the most thankless part in the show and yet the most important, in many ways and they all do it great.

TECH & SECURITY: Paul, Isaac, Danny, Preston, Cody & Animal – you know what you have when you have techies without actors? People with marketable job skills. And what do you have when you have actors without techies? Naked people you can’t hear standing in the dark on a stage with no set. Seriously, the Techies rock and deserve much loving as do the Security - who work tireless to keep stupid people and unaccompanied minors (sometimes, but not always, one and the same) out of our show.

FLOORWALKERS: Starman, Preston, Animal & special guest star Minion – Last and least, the jerks whose job it is to yell in the theater and drag your asses into participating. Since we were running a man short most of the evening, Minion was all too happy to step in and help out. And despite the big crowd, I actually heard everyone else pretty well.

That’s really all I can think about to say about the show. So now I’m going to say a few things about the upcoming shows.

NEXT SATURDAY - Drawing for “Design A Line-Up”

We will be selling tickets for this next week and then doing the drawing, thus giving the lucky winner ONE WEEK to take a list of willing cast members and have them play with whatever parts they want.

MARCH 10TH – SATURDAY - “Design A Line-Up” Show

The show where damn near anything goes and the lucky winner of the week’s drawing will get to see their fruits of their labors played out. We could have damn near anyone playing anything. It could be Leah playing Riff Raff. It could be English playing Crimmie. It could even be Preston playing Columbia. (Pitty whoever gets Eddie)

MARCH 16TH – FRIDAY - ALL-CON

Yes, we will be performing at ALL-CON on Friday Night at 11 pm. There will be a special one-hour pre-show with the show itself starting at the stroke (ha-ha! stroke) of midnight.

Now, the bad news is that the tickets are going to be a little pricer than you are used to. $15 a head, to be exact. But there are several bits of good news. That 15 dollar ticket also buys you admission into the Con for all of Saturday, where there will be many cool things including a Miss Star Wars pageant. Which means that in addition to all the usual skin you see at Rocky, there’s a fair chance you might see some girl in the Princess Leia slave-girl bikini – the one you were going to ask your girlfriend to wear for you as soon as you got a girlfriend.

But the good news doesn’t end there – your $15 ticket also gets you into a very special post-show party- a party that we are getting to hold in a suite and by all accounts, it’s a pretty sweet suite. So not only do you get to see a special show AND get admission to the biggest geek-fest in DFW for a day – you also get to Party With The Bastards!

MARCH 17TH – SATURDAY – ST. PATRICK’S DAY

Truth be told, I don’t think we’ll have having a theme show this night. In fact, given the state of the cast after the usual cast party, I’ll be amazed if anyone can still stand up. Regardless, we will be doing another show the night AFTER All-Con upon the biggest drinking holiday of the year. So come to the Movie Tavern, have a few before hand and then come watch some very tired and likely very hung-over Bastards perform.

And now it’s time to say goodbye. Goodbye.

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