Gwen's Corner

Show report for Saturday January 6th

What’s up, freaks? Your ever lovin’ brown-eyed Starman here, to talk to you about a matter of grave national importance. Or at least, some of you seemed to think it was judging by the way you asked me about it over the last two weeks. So in order to decrease your anxiety in this increasingly stressful modern world in which we live, allow me to explain something.

Yes, I did cut my hair. Yes, I am growing a beard.

In the case of the former, I was trying to get it trimmed for a job interview and discovered the importance of making sure your stylist knows the difference between “cut to the shoulder blades” and “cut to the shoulders”. And in the case of the later, well – that’ll be a surprise for later this month.

There. Now you know. And knowing is half the battle!

Goodnight everybody!

…

Oh, yeah. I’m supposed to talk about the first new show of the year too. Like any of you care about THAT.

You do? Well, okay then.

The virgin games were the usual batch of fun. We had two gentlemen (and I use that word in the loosest form possible, especially since one of them was a female dressed as a bloke) who had to drop their pants, cup their bits and then get jostled about. The gent wound up having Fish directly cupping his bits and he seemed far too happy about that. The gent, that is, not Fish.

Then we brought up two girls – one, one girl and one elder gent who dressed in drag so he could take his daughter to Rocky on her birthday in style. Apparently he agreed to do anything she wanted and – well, that was what she wanted. Strange girl, but you’ve got to admire that kind of dedication.

And then the show got started.

SATURN stepped in at the last moment to play Frank-N-Furter, on account of STAR, who was scheduled to do the part, being sick. Now, Saturn is fairly new to the business of this playing a major-part thing. And he’s the only person I’ve known who jumped from playing Dr. Scott to Frank N Furter. So good job on being unique, buddy.

LIMEY was Janet. And she is a good Janet. And she’s the nicest out of everyone when I forget how to take her clothes off… when playing Riff Raff. All the actresses who play Janet have a different dress and I can never remember which one is which when I’m trying to undress them after the Time Warp. Just a little bit of trivia there.

FRED was Brad. What can I say about Fred that hasn’t been said already on countless men’s room walls? Well, I can say that he brings a level of professionalism to every part that he plays that I admire greatly. Yeah, real actors DO perform at Rocky. Go figure.

STARMAN was Riff Raff. I’m not going to say much about me because – well, that would just be egotistical. I will note that it feels weird playing Riff Raff with a full beard and shorter hair. And those of you watching carefully may have noticed that during the dinner scene, Riff Raff was sampling the wine and passed out at one point. That was ACTING!

BIZAH was Magenta and yes, the rumors are true – she was not wearing any underwear during that show. It’s not what you think – she just forgot them when she went home briefly (ha-ha!) to get her costume stuff after work. Nothing nefarious. Regardless, ANIMAL had much fun messing about with her. Of course Animal has fun messing about with everyone, but she was the primary target that night.

COLUMBIA was played by AMY and, after the Dinner Scene, by MADAME LEAH. You see, while moving props around backstage, Amy hit herself in the eye and was unable to continue performing. And despite a lack of proper underwear for the Floor Show, Madame Leah was still out there – though not doing the kicks and trying desperate to keep herself from bouncing out of a too-small top. Such is the amazing level of professionalism in Los Bastardos that all our cast members are ready to jump in and replace a fallen comrade if need be. But they both did a wonderful job.

DANIEL was Doctor E.V. Scott. And he is a great Scott. Put him in a kilt and he’s a great Scot. Have him pour a drink and it will be a great Scotch. If he were a figure skater, he’d be a great Scott Hamilton. Yeah, I’ve got nothing.

ENGLISH was Rocky. And that man must have bowels of steel because he did not react at all to the punishment his ass took when I was torturing him with the candelabra. I guess all those years of playing Rocky have finally take their toll. No sensation whatsoever back there. But it’s just as well – because feeling nothing is better than crying.

EDDIE was played by Shannon of the DSLs. Do you know what that means? Me either, I’m so sweet and innocent. Irrespective and irregardless, Shannon is very good at pushing that motorcycle around, tossing around Columbia and freaking out the Transies by chasing after them.

CHARLES was the Crimmie. And it’s always a treat to watch him play Crimmie because you never know what Charles might do. He could wind up inside the tank with Janet and Rocky. He could wind up doing his speech without pants. He could wind up standing on his head while getting a hummer from the lead soprano of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Actually, only one of those things happened.- I’ll let you guess which one it was.

We had nearly twenty Transies (i.e. Transylvanians) that night. Man, I still remember the days when we’d be lucky to have two Transies. Amazing what adding a zero does, huh? The Transies were, in no particular order, FISH, ERIS, ANGIE, MIKE, SEAN, SQUID, MARC, ISSAC, GREG, JOSH, JJ, MANDA, LAURA, CHARLIE and BROOKE.

And as always, DONNA did the programs and got no credit. Which is a shame because she does a lot of work for this cast and she never credits herself in the programs. We loves our DONNA and she deserves respect. And presents.

And speaking of Thankless jobs, let me give a shout out to the Tech Squad and Security Team. CLIFF, MADAME LEAH, PAUL, EMILY, DANNY, ROBERT, CHARLES, CHEWY, PRESTON and ANIMAL. It’s not easy sitting in the darkness, manning a board or a spotlight or looking for drunken troublemakers trying to run up on the stage while other people are dancing away and getting all the attention of the crowd. But there is some comfort in the fact that without you, the actors are just a bunch of idiots dancing in the dark that nobody can see and knowing that you ensure the safety of everyone so that Rocky is as safe as it is fun. So the next time you see a Security Guard or a Techie, give them a hug. Or oral sex – whichever is preferred.

Finally, the floorwalkers. ANIMAL, CHEWY, DANIEL and CODY were doing the dishonors this week. You know, it’s becoming increasingly hard for us Floorwalkers to shout over the number of people in the Audience who are shouting lines? Seriously – there’s that many of you who know them now. This is somewhat annoying when we’re getting told, after the show, that nobody can hear us. But it’s also heartening to know that you, our fans, are so dedicated as to keep coming back and watching the show week after week. So from all of Los Bastardos, thank you!

Big things in the works in the next few weeks. Oh, we’ll have a show next week as usual – but some of our cast will be performing with QUEERIOS, the Rocky Cast of Austin. If, by some chance, you happen to be there next weekend, go and support them.

And in three weeks time, on JANUARY 27th, we will be having our next theme show: THE GAME SHOW SHOW. Yes, men in big-lapeled suits, women in slinky sequined dresses and tons of fun games and prizes for all. There will even be some special celebrity guests, including Kevin Smith. Oh wait, that’s just me with the beard.

Hasta until next time, my voodoo TV children.