Gwen's Corner

Hey hey kids!  Tis Me, the Once And Future Starman
 
FIVE HOURS LATER…
 
I wrote that one sentence and then went to sleep.  And I’m still tired.  
Dammit.  Stupid brain… making me wake up on a day when I can and should 
sleep until noon!
 
Anyway, this here is a show report, so I should probably talk about the 
show.  In a bit. First, I’d like to make a special announcement. 
 
 
 
TREAT YOUR WAIT STAFF WITH RESPECT!
 
This announcement has been brought to you by The National Endowment For 
Not Getting Us Kicked Out Of Restaurants That Like Rocky People.
 
So what prompted this?  Well, some jackasses who had just come from our 
show a few weeks ago went to the Old South Pancake House after the show.  
They were rude to the wait staff.  They made a mess, didn’t even try to 
clean it themselves and left it for the bus boy to find.  And a few of them 
even skipped on the check.  As a result, all non-cast have been banned from 
Old South by the management.
 
I’d like to apologize to everyone who DID show up to the Old South this 
Saturday expecting to be able to come in.  At the time, we thought things 
were sorted out and that we could argue that there were regulars we could 
vouch for and get in but… no such luck.  
 
So in the future, wherever you are, please remember that as a fan, you 
have a responsibility to not act like idiots because your behavior reflects 
on us as well as the entire community of freaks and weirdos.  Besides, 
it’s a good idea not to piss off the people who handle your food.  You’d 
be amazed how easy it is to cut up a roach and sneak it into a ham and cheese 
omelet without anyone noticing…
 
So… yeah.  The show.
 
 This show was a very special show and I was promised a very big surprise 
last week. I had no idea what it was going to be although I did have a very 
cool dream.  See, my girlfriend and I are currently in a distance relationship 
and she told me a few months ago that she had this dream that we were living 
together and that she was pregnant and that she decided to tell me this ala 
that one episode of I Love Lucy – coming to my show, getting someone else to 
get me to read this “happy announcement” and then coming from backstage carrying 
“It’s a Boy/It’s A Girl” balloons…this was all in the dream, right?  Right.
 
So I had a dream this week that she pulled the same thing, only that this big 
surprise was her finally coming back from where she is and that she’d been 
conspiring with the whole cast to totally shock me by sneaking her backstage 
and then having her sneak up behind me while I’m talking and doing my thing. 
 
Well, that didn’t happen and more is the pity.  But what DID happen was just 
as cool.
 
See, the plan was that we were going to do another TIED TO A BASTARD SHOW and 
that there would be bondage aplenty for some very lucky (?) audience members.  
The plan was for THIS to be the cast…
 
FRANK: Beau
JANET: Katie
BRAD: Randal
RIFF: Daniel
MAGENTA: Angie
COLUMBIA: Kate
DR. SCOTT: Minion
ROCKY: English
EDDIE: Shannon
CRIMMIE: Eris
 
Well, Madame Leah… sadist that she can be sometimes (I mean that as a 
complement, darling!  You’re a director… it’s your job to be a bitch!) decided 
that wasn’t good enough for our latest fundraising show.  So she decided that 
in addition to drawing to see who would get tied to our cast for the whole damn 
show, that we were also going to do a NAME OUT OF A HAT SHOW.
 
So now we had a bunch of people playing parts they didn’t normally play, being 
tied to a bunch of strangers who didn’t know where to go… all being dragged around 
the stage in one big clusterfuck of bondage and glee!
 
So once Leah got done shifting the roster around, here is the REAL cast for the 
night of nights…. 
 
FRANK: Shannon
JANET: Daniel
BRAD: Minion
RIFF: Kate
MAGENTA: Katie
COLUMBIA: Beau
DR. SCOTT: Randall
ROCKY: Angie
EDDIE: Eris
CRIMMIE: English
 
Aye, and mine shall be a house of hilarity.  At least, I assume it was hilarious.  Truth 
be told, I didn’t get a chance to watch much of the show.
 
See, I was on floorwalking duty, as I usually am but I was having to put about 3 times as 
much effort into it.  Because the audience this evening was dead.  I mean, dead dead.  I 
saw more old people in the audience than I have ever seen in our show.  And I don’t mean 
like 35 year olds.  No, I’m talking old enough to be grandparents.  Well, actually I suppose 
you could be a grand parent at 35 but… you know what I mean.  No there were a bunch of 
people… not our regular audience… who didn’t seem to grasp the concept that it is okay to 
laugh at my jokes and the craziness that is going onstage.
 
I dunno.  Maybe we had some local chapter of BDSM enthusiasts coming out for the evening 
and they didn’t get that our show is supposed to be a musical comedy.  Maybe they were 
just waiting for the live sex part of the show to start?
 
Regardless, I was so busy yelling my loudest, running to get water and generally being 
the one guy trying to keep the Audience Participation going on a crowd that seemed to have 
come to our show so they’d have something to do while waiting for the Country Kitchen 
Buffet or the Sunday Morning Bingo parlor to open.
 
NOTE FROM THE SITE PEOPLE: We would like to emphasize that Starman’s opinions upon the 
audience and old people do not necessarily reflect those of Los Bastardos Unlimited and 
its’ management.  Actually, they do.  But we’re just saying that to cover our asses when 
people start complaining.
 
One thing I would like to say: I miss Animal already.  For those of you who didn’t hear, 
Animal has had a WHOLE mess of surgery in the past two weeks and as a result, he is 
gimpier than a short bus full of Special Olympics bronze medalists.  So while he was in 
attendance this night, he was not doing much more than supervising the sound system, 
under the capable hands of longtime Bastard friend, Chicago Mike.  He was not up there 
to read the rules… run the Virgin games… humiliate me as I’m trying to do the serious 
work.  He wasn’t even groping young innocent maidens in the aisle, that’s how tightly 
he’s stitched up.
 
So please, in the coming weeks, if you see Animal at the show, please give him your 
well wishes.  But no touchey.  NOOOOOOO touchey!
 
(See, I was trying to do that David Spade in The Emperor’s New Groove thing, but it 
I spell it like it sounds, it looks like I’m drawing out the word touché.  And I’m 
not fencing, so I have no business saying touché.)
 
So, yeah.
 
That’s my show report.  I didn’t talk much about the show so much as the things 
around the show but… what do you want?  It’s free.  Besides, we have a special 
BONUS show report (because the one from last week is still late…) written by Star, 
who was actually sitting in the audience WATCHING the show the whole time and observing 
the craziness on stage. 
 
So take it away Star!  







Fade in.

Come Gir! Let us rein some DOOM down upon our DOOMED enemies!

Wait, wrong show

Hello all you rocky fans out there! Star here to report what took 
place yet again, in the USA, in a theater, on a Saturday night yet 
again. This is also my first time writing a show report, so bear 
with me here for a few. I was not cast this time so I decided to 
take to the writer’s seat. I was sick this week as well, but managed 
to stay awake during the show. Another bastard was sitting out due to 
surgery. Animal had surgery last week, and doing anything more than 
simply being gives him pain. [Huggles the Animal]. His good friend, 
and good friend to the cast Chicago Mike graced us with his presence, 
and did the DJ thing for animal.

That was SO FETCH!

ON TO THE REPORT!

This was our second “Tied-to-a-Bastard’ show. This time cast members
were not allowed to buy tickets for each other so more of the audience 
could get involved. Even though last time was fucking hilarious when 
everyone was attached to everyone.

Show lineup was as follows:

Frank- Beau
Janet-Katie
Brad-Randal
Riff Raff- Daniel
Magenta Angie
Columbia-Kate
Dr. Scott-Minion
Rocky-English
Eddie-Shannon
Criminologist-Eris


TRANSIES-Greg, Saturn, Jennifer, Squid, Nathan, Leah, Emily, Cristy, Amy.

TECH GODS AND SECURITY-Mr. Pizat, Sean, Charles, Preston, Danny, Robert, Glen.

FLOORWALKERS-Starman Matt, Preston, Glenn.


Okay, so the show began and

Hold on.

No, that’s not right.

Thanks to our wonderful fearless leader Leah, it became even more of a 
cluster Fuck. For sheer amusement, and thrill of torment, she assigned 
everyone new roles at the last minute! This helped add to the humor of 
the situation.

REAL Lineup:

Crimmie- English
Eddie-Eris
Rocky-Angie [yeay angry rocky!]
Columbia-Beau
Dr. Scott-Randal
Magenta-Katie
Riff Raff-Kate [LMAO]
Janet-Daniel
Brad-Minion


The cherry on top of it all[drum roll!]
Frank- Shannon!!!!!!!!

YES! You read right! Shannon!

*Also keep in mind that Leah only gave everyone about 15 minutes notice, 
so no one could switch costumes, or have someone go over blocking with them. 
[Insert Evil Leah Laugh].

I love Leah.

Now Remember, this is still the ˜Tied-to-a-Bastard’ theme show.

Oh the Chaos, the Beautiful, beautiful CHAOS.

*Disclaimer*
I am horrible at spelling names, along with everyday words; so don’t sue 
me if I spelled your name wrong!

Fred was tied to Satan, not the devil but the person.
Preston was tied to Shiane
Charles was tied to James
English was tied to Beth F.
Minion was tied to Paul
Angie was tied to Sarah Beth
Nathan was tied to Cassie
Bizzah was tied to Cliff
Daniel was tied to James
Kate was tied to Whitie
Halo was tied to Tybalt
Squid was tied to Kat
Leah was tied to Tybalt as well.

So it begins!

Opening Dance

Wow, what on earth could I say, and where to start? On normal shows, there 
is only supposed to be eight to ten people on stage. There were seventeen.

SEVENTEEN. Dear God!

Beau was making an effort to attach at least one person to him. Poor baby. 
All the tickets he had were from people that were not at the show, so he was 
not tied to anyone [for a short while at least]. He attempted to lasso 
Leah and Tybalt, but to his surprise, Leah has unknown strength. Mortal 
combat came to minds when she pulled the rope violently towards her, and 
me thinking GET OVER HERE!

It would have been sweet if she said that.

Damnit Janet

Oh. My.
Just-oh my.

I had no clue who I was supposed to be paying attention too, and think 
the actors felt exactly the same way. I would also like to note how 
terrifying Daniel is as pulling off Janet. [Raises eyebrow]

About the time that Crimmie showed up, the shock of it wore off. Speaking 
of Crimmie, English did an excellent job of acting like he knew what he was 
doing. The only tip off was that he forgot the words. But its okay, the 
girls in the audience [and some boys too] just wanted to see English. He 
is also forcing me to report to you fine people that he tore a hole in 
his rocky bottoms, bent over, and declared “I HAVE A HOLE ON MY ASS!”

He’s so special, in the good way though, not the stupid kind. I’m the one 
that’s a special kind of stupid. : D

Car Scene

[Evil Laughter]

Beau got to feel the blinding pain of being windshield wipers. That evil 
demon bitch goddess it is! In case you have no idea what the hell I’m talking 
about, the Columbia and Magenta have to sway their right legs in the air 
along with the windshield wipers on the screen. ITS NOT AS EASY AS IT LOOKS!

[I would like to take this time to say to the editor of this film:
What? What did I ever do to you? Did I beat you in a past life? Did I kill 
your puppy? WHY DO YOU HATE ME?]

TIMEWARP

OH-DEAR-GOD.

FIFTEEN people up there.

Class, say it along with me “Cluster Fuck”
One more time “Cluster Fuck”

Kate, bless her heart was trying her hardest to not be cute and be scary as 
Riff. She tried though.

SWEET T

Ladies and Gentlemen, it is now time in our little production to say a short 
message.

Shannon. I have no words that I can fathom to describe how excellent she was. 
I am one of the pickiest people when it comes to others playing Frank, I bitch 
and point out every flaw, but I absolutely LOVED her version of frank. She made 
me smile a lot.

TANK SCENE

Tank scene reminded me of night at the Roxbury. I will not explain why because 
of the people that missed the show. HA! This is your punishment! Feel my 
squirrelly WRATH! I punish you! [Not in the dirty way!]

Those who were there can reminisce with me;

Yeah, lets go back there for a second
Yeah
That was nice
Revel in it
Sweet.

Back to the world of dreams [Major Brownie points if you can tell me where that 
quote is from!]

SWORD OF DAMOCLES

My Angie. My baby girl. I love her to death. I will kill all who harm her! She 
played rocky and was angry. It was adorable! 

Everyone including me was taken aback when the tansies began to throw toilet 
paper from the stage along with the audience. A first in Los Bastardos History 
[I think].

HOT PATOOTIE

Eris. Wow. Eris.
She aims for perfection in everything she does, and never delivers less.

Kate and Beau were shoved aside when it came time for the lift.

Guess who did it.

Go on, Guess.

C’mon! Guess!

No no not them nope, still wrong.

It was English and Preston! THEY STUCK IT! It was amazing. I don’t remember 
that ever happening outside of a drag show, if even then.

BEDROOM SCENE

WTF?

TOUCHA TOUCH ME

Okay, I know I should not have laughed when this happened, but Katie accidentally 
knocked Beau off balance while on the block, and sent Beau hurdling towards the floor.

I laughed WAY TOO HARD for someone that was sick. I almost coughed up a lung. Then 
after I recovered, during rocky role call, English pops up in rocky wraps completely 
tied up. I though Mummy Bondage

FLOORSHOW

Hmm, Well, lets just say that when people go up for kick line that do not know kick 
line, well, it can get a little confusing. But was pulled off nonetheless!

There you have it. The very first Show report Star has ever written.

Enjoy.

I SAID ENJOY DAMNIT!

-Star*