Gwen's Corner

Heya folks.  This is Starman, MC and Head Floorwalker, writing what will hopefully be a 
timely (or at least on time) Show Report for the not-accurately-named-in-quite-some-time 
Gwen’s Corner.
 
Laugh it up, Oldbies.  You’re the only ones who know her anymore.
 
Anyway, the show of the 13th was a little smaller crowd than we’ve been used to lately.  
I don’t know why.  The last two weeks, I can understand because we had prom two weeks ago 
most places and last week was finals for most of the local colleges.  So unless everyone 
is still recovering from the "thank the merciful gods I PASSED this semester" parties, the 
only reason I can think of to have missed the show was a need to be up early so you could 
go do something special for Mother’s Day.  Yes, for it is Mother’s Day as I write this.  
 
And while we’re on the subject of mothers, have you called you mother yet today?  Or any 
time recently, for that matter?  For crying out loud, she went through 27 hours of labor 
to push your 4-pound head out of her womb - the least you can do is call her to let her 
know you are still alive once in a while.
 
Anyway, on with the show report...
 
I was playing Riff Raff for the first time in a long while.  This was at my request 
because I would much rather focus my energies right now upon improving the Floorwalking 
Team of Los Bastardos than playing big roles.  There’s also the fact that I’ve kinda 
gotten outta shape over the winter and I am considerate enough of my fellow man to not 
remove my shirt in public.
 
Man boobs are not fun, especially on a 5’8" man with a hairy Scotsman physique.  
 
Still, Leah wanted me playing Riff this week and, to my astonishment, a lot of the cast 
and audience wanted to see it too.  I don’t know how long it’s been since I actually 
PLAYED Riff (I dressed up as him for a photo op two months ago), but it’s been a while 
since I acted the part.  Despite that, there’s a lot of regulars who have never seen me 
do Riff and they insisted I did wonderful, so who the hell am I to disagree?
 
But I’m getting out of sequence, so back to the start of things.  The show started as 
per usual, except that I recited a poem I wrote myself during the reading of Rule #1.  
 
See, we actually get a lot of complaints from people who come to Rocky not having any clue 
what it is.  And somehow they think we’re just blowing smoke out our asses when they check 
ID when they sell the tickets and we check ID coming into the theater and we go out of our 
way to make sure that anybody coming to the show with a minor knows exactly what they are 
getting into.  Cause we’re nice like that.  And we don’t want to get sued.  Mostly the sued 
thing.
 
Welcome, Welcome, To the Rocky Horror Show
But first, there’s some things you should know.
 
Our show can often be quite crass
You’ll likely see some tits and ass
 
And for the ladies, to be fair,
There’s pretty boys in underwear
 
We also say some naughty words,
Like damn, ass, fuck, hell, shit and turds.
 
So if this offends you, please don’t shout.
Just quietly stand... and get the fuck out!
 
I hope this will finally get the point across.  You know rhymes are supposed to communicate 
complex ideas to simple minds.
 
The virgin games were interesting as, unlike last week, we had mostly boy virgins.  So we 
did a record-breaking (well, it would be if we kept records) six male virgins with "Start 
Your Engines"  Five lucky boys got a girl revving them up and one unlucky (or lucky, cause 
we think he might have been a "fancy boy") boy got Sean.  I found it mildly disturbing that
when Animal put up a call for volunteers from the cast - five girls and a boy - he got 5 
boys and a girl.  Just like the last cast orgy.
 
That’s a joke.  There are no cast orgies.  At least none I get invited to.
 
But last night was a special night because we had a rare virgin performance.  Yes, our very 
own MIKE played Brad for the very first time and he did pretty good all things considered. 
I admit to not watching very much of his performance (I was too busy trying to remember all
the Riff movements) but I heard enough cheering during floorshow to figure he did alright. 
 
In fact, I dare say he did a lot better than I did the times I got roped into playing 
Brad.  You think seeing me dancing around in the Riff Space outfit is disgusting?  Be 
thankful you missed the night we were performing outdoors, in the rain, and I was in 
nothing but tube socks and tighty-whities.
 
That’s right.  Go throw up.  I’ll wait.
 
(hums "American Pie" to himself)
 
All done?  Good.  Now, back to the rest of the cast.
 
Frank was ENGLISH.  I remember him saying it’s been a while since he played Frank and 
admittedly I am hard pressed to remember the last time he did the part.  It wasn’t as long 
as it’s been since I played Riff, but a pretty long time none the less.  Which is a shame 
because, go figure, the British chap in drag is quite good at playing a British chap in 
drag.
 
And the Brits theme continued with LIMEY as Janet.  I wonder if there’s any other casts 
that have such a large population of Anglican folk.  Well, besides the ones in England, 
obviously.  Either way, she is smoking hot and proof positive that there are British women 
who know how to "move", if you know what I mean and I think you do.
 
As I said before I myself, STARMAN, was Riff Raff.  My most beautiful sister Magenta was 
played by BIZAH and her most beautiful sister KATE was Columbia.  This makes things kinda 
weird during the lesbian scene.  So much so that even Animal was disgusted and attempted to 
drop a curtain in front of the scene.  It was too much, too late but give him credit for 
trying.
 
ROBERT was Dr. Scott and I’m with MINON (one of our floorwalkers) who said that was 
unfortunate as he was introducing the cast at the end of the show.  Because the punk 
Mexican thought it would be cute to blow his nose on my jacket and wipe the boogers off 
on me.  Vengeance will mine!  Oh yes.
 
Rocky was played by FRED, who come to think of it also hasn’t done that role in a while or 
at least not as much.  He’s been doing Brad almost every week for quite a while and you 
could tell he was happy to be running around in next to nothing.  You should have seen him 
during preshow, dancing like the retarded boy let off of his leash, running around until he 
runs into something... truly a sight to behold.
 
SHANNON was Eddie and... well, because I’m on a role with this theme we’ll just assume she 
hasn’t played Eddie in a while.  Shannon is one of the hardest working people on cast.  I 
think that out of all of us she’s done the greatest number of parts.  Riff.  Maggie. Eddie. 
Crimmie.  Dr. Scott, once I think... and Rocky during that one "Out of the Hat" show.  
She’s a consummate professional, whatever role she’s in. 
 
And finally, the Crimmie was CRISTY.  Crimmie is perhaps the most thankless major role.  
You’re there for about maybe four minutes in the whole movie.  You’re open game for any 
floorwalkers who want to molest you in an effort to make the most boring scenes in the 
movie more interesting.  And you don’t get to sing or dance or anything.  You just stand 
there and drone on and on and have LEAH yell at you if you don’t actually say the long 
boring speech with perfect screen accuracy.  And then she busts out the whip...
 
Of course I would be remiss if I didn’t mention our Transies... the people who do the 
important business of taking up space and clapping at everything Frank says.  This is 
similar to the relationship between Congress and George W. Bush and there is my one 
political joke for the night.
 
Our Transies were, in no particular order...
HALO
CHARLES
JJ
KATE
SQUID
MARC
KATIE
JENNIFER
EMILY
GREG
BRITTANIE
 
And, oh yes, the return of gothy angsty ANGIE.  Okay, she’s not all that angsty but every 
time I look at her she looks like one of those Living Dead plush dolls.  Only this one will 
come to life and eat your brains under the light of a full moon.  Hey wait... it was a full 
moon last night.
 
Techies.  Yes, we must mention the techies.  Because actors without techies are a bunch of 
naked shlubs you can’t see or hear standing on a stage with no set.  Actors without techies 
are people with marketable job skills.
 
SEAN
AMMANDA
RANDAL
DEANNA
DANNY
GLENN
JASON
PRESTON
MR. PIZAT
 
And our floorwalkers, who I’m told did a good job while I was putting on the Riff.  I must 
admit, I didn’t really have a chance to listen but Leah said they did good, so they must 
have done good for her to go out of her way to mention it at the post-show review.
 
ANIMAL
MINON
PRESTON
GLENN
 
All in all, it was a good show.  I had fun.  I think the audience did too.  I hope you did 
have fun if you saw it and that maybe this made you laugh a bit if you didn’t see it.
 
That’s it for now folks.  Remember - 50’s Theme Show on the 20th.  Be there or be square. 
And if you’re there and square, then Fonzie will kick your ass.