Gwen's Corner

Greetings all confused patrons!  JJ here with your April Fool's Day show report.  
This is my first time writing the show report so , please, be gentle.
Line up goes as follows:

Dr. Frank-N-Furter - Star
Janet - Katie
Brad - Fred
Riff - Glenn
Magenta - JJ
Columbia - Amy
Dr. Scott - Starman Matt
Rocky - English
Eddie - Shannon
The Criminologist - Eris

Transies - Mike, Bizah, Squid, POB, Cory, Marc, A Man Duh, Jennifer, Greg, Emily, 
Daniel

Tech Gods - Sean, Deanna, Marc, Glenn, POB, Danny

Floorwalkers - Starman Matt, Animal, Minion 



Ok, here goes!  Pre show Started off swimmingly after getting the audience riled 
up with a good session of your favorite dance and mine "Hey Macarena!"  Starman 
read the rules and announcements while Animal molested Leah.  We popped some very 
young cherries and proceeded to make them play games up on stage.  There was a 
whole pack of nervous, timid fresh meat in our audience.  These kids were younger 
than our usual average age.  Their parents brought them so, they immediately became 
fair game for Animal and his shenanigans.  Eris handed out the toy of choice for 
this game, marchino cherries. The object of this game was to hold the cherry between 
your legs bending over so that the person behind you had to bend over and eat the 
cherry without using their hands.  Every one is bending over in this position with a 
cherry forming a chain of blushing youngsters, some of which this would have been 
the closest they have ever come to a girl's crotch much less practically putting 
their face there.  Boys, you are welcome.

On with the show.  Things may have been slightly confusing for the ones paying 
attention.  Amy was wearing Magenta makeup and I was wearing Columbia make up.  
Just the tip of the ice burg for the April Fools' pranks to come.  The wedding went 
off without a hitch .  Betty threw the bouquet to blood thirsty wedding guests fighting 
over who would catch it  and to no avail Janet rose from the vicious pack of wild 
animals and was victorious.  Congratulations Katie, now you've got the CLAP.

Brad starts getting ideas in his head of forever shackling himself to Janet in holy 
wedlock.  Yay, bondage!  Brad, you kinky son of a bitch you.  He feels the need to 
express his undying love through music so he spontaneously bursts into song.  You 
find this happens quite often in the town of Denton, USA.  Blinded by the throws of 
passion they fail to notice they have crashed the funeral that was booked right after 
the wedding.  This is one efficient church.  Wheel in the casket and a quick spin of 
the floral arrangements and voila!  Instant funeral.  Dammit, Janet why'd you have to 
bend over to pick up that pencil in Dr. Scott's refresher course damn well knowing Brad would 
get a flash of those white granny panties. Mmmm…granny panties.  I guess Brad 
just hadn't foreseen the buffet of sexual fetishes that was to be lain out for him in 
the future.  

Road Trip!  Off to see good ole Dr. Scott.  But wait, they find themselves driving in 
a terrible storm and motor cyclists keep whizzing past them.  And to top it all off 
Maggie and Columbia didn't make it in front of the windshield in time to wipe the rain 
away with their legs.  Sorry, Jews.  I guess he'll just have to settle for an arm/hand 
job.  Its too bad Dr. Scott's refresher course wasn't about auto body repair because 
Brad wouldn't have been such a fucktard and went on a road trip with a flat spare 
tire.  Fred, plays clueless Brad so well, I wonder why that is?  So, Katie and Fred, 
I mean Brad and Janet, have a little lovers spat over going to find help.  Should have 
had AAA and a freaking cell phone.  Janet, how could you have forgotten the cell phone?  
Oh, I guess you didn't want Brad finding all the numbers to your Johns, I mean clients.  
She decided to bring a news paper to entertain herself instead of making out her schedule 
to meet all of those hotel "representatives." 

Obviously Dr. Scott wasn't much of a teacher because our Janet was holding the newspaper
upside down.  This would also explain why she had to stand so long in front of that sign
sounding out the letters to "DO NOT ENTER"  Ahhh, a castle!  "There's a Light" in it.  
No, it's the dim light bulb over Janet's head.  She's horny, she's wet and she's just 
plain scared.  Good times Katie, good times.  

They decide to see if anyone's home in the big black box at stage right.  They might 
get lucky and there might be a telephone in that big black wooden box.  Well, there's 
no phone but there is a Marine wearing a bald cap.  He thinks that they had better cum 
inside as opposed to cumming on the doorstep which just makes a sticky mess.  Ok, folks 
this is where it starts to get confusing and also where smoke starts coming out of Leah's
ears and nostrils.  Maggie and Columbia get the not so bright idea to switcheroo their
parts for an April Fool's prank.  Well, I can't speak for Amy but I sure didn't know 
what the hell I was doing.  Its very hard to tap dance in Harley Boots and also its hard 
to tap dance when you don't know how to tap dance.  So, we did the Time Warp again trying
not to choke on the smoke billowing from Leah's orifices.

Back to normal now Maggie and Columbia are back in their own costumes and things seem to 
be back to the regularly scheduled program when here comes our favorite female Frank, the
one and the only STAR of the show.  What is that on her face?  Leah lovingly described 
it as a Dirty Sanchez.  I think what she was going for was Groucho Marx.  May I point out
that this may be the first time Starman found himself sexually attracted to Star? Oh, 
I almost forgot, we were not the only ones in odd costumes and out of place make up.  
The criminologist bared a striking resemblance to Eris in a tightly laced corset and 
painted as a Geisha.  Hmm…"Brad, I don't think we're in Denton anymore" proclaims Janet. 

Frank bursts into song to welcome this unexpected fresh meat to his affair.  I think 
Frank has a thing for making people wet because she's always throwing water on them 
from paper cups.  So many groupies, I mean Transies, so little time.  Off to the lab!  

Brad and Janet find themselves alone in the grand hall with the servants and they start
undressing them in a most forceful way.  "Oh, I love it when a woman takes charge", dreams
Brad.  He can't figure out why the maid is wiping his glasses and drying his hair with
an invisible rag though.  Must be one of those new space age (alien) technologies.  He 
tries to introduce himself and Janet but these servants don't seem to give a flying 
fuck.  They just want them to get in the damn elevator.

Finally some words from the peanut gallery.  Janet asks if Frank is married.  *Loud 
Obnoxious Giggles* "Honey she's more of a woman than you'll ever be and more of a man 
than you'll ever have."  I guess they forgot that Frank will fuck anything with two OR 
three legs.  Especially furry ones like Fred, I mean Brad.  How long is this elevator 
ride gonna take? *CRASH* Door opens.  Wow people still paint in pastels.  Hmm, this 
looks strangely like a surgery auditorium.  "We're about to see some fucked up shit!"

"Magenta! Columbia! Go and assist Riff Raff" orders Frank. "I'm going to go get the dirt 
on these two and figure how many ways I can fuck them later."  How hospitable of her.  
Janet likes women with mustaches that can speak French.  Brad is just jealous he doesn't
have a mustache.  Wait a minute, Fred is looking more and more like a Wookie these days.  

The Transies are shivering with an-tici----pation for the main event of this unconventional
convention.  Frank is supposed to reveal some big secret that their tax dollars have been
funding for years.  What the hell is going on with Magenta Mae Clampet over there?  That 
is defiantly not a Transylvanian regulation lab apron.  Well, this is Texas by the way. 

Frank is standing in between Maggie and Columbia behind a mic stand.  Frank always did 
love the stage just like Star. Oh, now we're talking!  A beautiful creature is to be born! 
I didn't even know it was possible for Frank to get pregnant.  I guess anything is possible
when you're an alien. Time for the unveiling, drum roll please. "67...68..69 UP NOW!"
Oooooo Ahhh.....wait a minute.  What the fuck?  We rode all the way out here in the 
pouring rain for a giant tampon in a rainbow Jell-O mold?  This sure as hell better be 
good Jell-O.

"Throw open the switches on the sonic oscillator!" Riff grabs a transie and starts pushing
their arms down.  "Step up the reactor input three more points!" He then presses two 
nipples and a belly button.  These transies sure are multitaskers.  I bet they can be 
gymnastics equipment too.  I guess the Starship Honey Comb is gonna operate itself because
for a little light entertainment while we're waiting for the tampon to cook in the Jell-O,
ladies and gentleman, Animal presents "Puttin'' on the Ritz."  Everyone get up and dance!

What's this?  Such a bright light! What's that moving in the Jell-O mold?  Why, the tampon
is alive! Riff pulls off his hood.  Holy Cow its an Englishman, and he can sing!  Are 
those gold Chuck Tailors on his feet?  Get down from there, your gonna fall and break your
neck.  Magenta and Columbia start unwrapping him.  Arms first, piece of cake.  Next the 
legs, umm, there's a problem.  The straps are really long and they get tangled around his
feet!  Columbia starts to unravel the bandage around his middle and spins him like a top.
The tangled ones around his feet just get worse and he started running like his shoes were
tied together.  I guess Amy and I will have to practice unwrapping the legs at warp speed 
for next time.  I don't think English would mind Amy and I practicing unwrapping anything 
on him.  "Ain't no crime."

Frank chases after him up the isles and through the storm of flying toilet paper. 
Meanwhile the transies are having a dance party and Riff, Columbia, and Magenta are 
having a knee slapping shin dig.  A perfectly in sync (it's a fucking miracle) sha na na
sequence I must add.  And the winner is Rocky with a double rod twisting finish.  Frank 
is gonna make him a man but first, she wants to know what Katie, I mean Janet thinks of 
him.  She doesn't like men with too many muscles, just big ones that wear bandanas, chug
Jegermeister, giggle like little girls, and look really scary in bloody aprons.  Well,
Frank doesn't care because she made an English, not a Mikey. He carries the Charles 
Atlas seal of approval.

Frank is turning out to be quite the personal trainer.  She's got a workout planned for
Rocky rivaling the one I used to do when I was a power lifter in high school.  I never
swallowed raw eggs though.  Maybe she could be persuaded to give him protein and creatine
shakes instead. Less chance of getting salmonella but they don't taste much better.
Oh, I was right!  Those transies also double as gymnastics equipment.  Yippee for 
spanking the pommel horse!

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Take the Meatloaf out of the oven. Here comes our favorite SheEddie,
Shannon rides in on her motorcycle rocking it out like a hot greaser chick reminiscing 
about what Saturday night used to be and out of nowhere here comes Frank pushing Columbia
out of the way jumping on Eddie performing a classic swing rockabilly style lift and the
crowd roared with applause!  Uh Oh, This seems to have pissed off Columbia to the point 
of homicide.  She goes into the freezer and pulls out the pick ax.  RUN EDDIE RUN!  That
bitch is pissed and she'll show you for cheating on her. Oh, what a dramatic death.  
Hacked to death by your girlfriend in a deep freezer.  Too bad Frank had the gloves on.  
CSI would have a field day.

Forget what ever happened to Saturday night, whatever happened to Rocky?  Oh Shit, he 
got locked in the elevator.  Oh ouch, English, what did I tell you about letting Star 
shut your penis in doors?  Don't worry, you will be punished later but for now you're 
getting married.  Wait, that can be a punishment in itself in some people's opinion.  
Off to the honeymoon suite SWEET.  I hope Rocky can manage to get the rice out of his 
crack.

What to do with Brad and Janet?  We'll send them to their separate rooms throw robes at
them, and make them wait for the biology lesson Dr. Scott never provided.  Janet first,
Janet first!  Maybe if you hide behind that big red sheet held up by transies doubling 
as bed posts no one will suspect you of promiscuity.  "Oh, a dildo on the bed, I think 
I'll sit on it" thought  Janet. "I think I'll name it Mickey like my one at home" said 
Katie. A quick romp with Frank in the bed and its enough to build up her appetite for 
Englishmen in gold panties.

Speaking of Englishmen in gold panties, there one laying there on the block.  He's chained
to it.  In the words of Paris Hilton, "That's Hot."  I don't know what it is but Glenn 
just likes to stick things in English's butt.  Like chandeliers for instance.  Oh, look 
here he comes now with a big brass chandelier.  Hmm..I wonder what he's gonna do with it?
You'd think he would have a little consideration and slick a little bit of lube on there
sometimes.  Its no wonder Rocky breaks his chains to get away.  Hey Riff, I don't think
throwing candles at him is gonna stop him.  I know you're upset but  we both know what
makes you feel better.  A bite out of my neck and making me squeek while you're at it.
Hey folks, he thinks its funny at home too.

Brad' turn in the sack with Frank.  I guess he really does need those glasses if he 
mistakes Frank for Janet.  I guess she's about to find out how "Dominant" he really is
underneath those tighty whiteys.  "I thought it was the real thing!" cried Brad.  Well,
honey you ain't gonna get more real than a woman with a mustache like this one.  Not 
with a shape like Star's.

Meanwhile Janet starts getting lonely and seeks a little company.  Katie how can you 
even move after being  worked over by Star like that?  The voyeur in Janet seeks out 
the monitor and sees that Brad has been doing a little hanky panky himself.  She hears 
a sound behind her that sounds strangely like monserbating moans.  Oh good grief.  Its 
English's stunt cock, puppet rocky.  Maybe when Animal LET THE DOGS OUT they took him 
down for the count.  Now Katie has to make a decision.  The puppet or the audience?
She chose the puppet.  I figure she thought it would be like playing with a really fun 
interactive sex toy.  She could make a fortune out of making a porn video from this.
Well, all of her fan boys would buy it.  It would be called "Puppet of the Night."  
She should get up with Columbia and Magenta.  They taped the whole thing.

What has Glenn done now?  Star is whipping the shit out of him.  Don't be fooled by his
shrieks of pain, he likes it.  Oh, he let the new play toy get loose. One more crack of 
the whip and a back hand to the rump, Riff is over checking for Rocky in the monitor.  
No Gold clad Englishman in sight but there is a Starman sitting out in the rain in a 
wheel chair.

Hey, It's Scotty!  The professor that taught absolutely nothing.  You know, if it hadn't
 been for his incompetence Brad and Janet would never had been in this predicament in 
the first place.  He entered the building but I'd like to know how because I never saw 
a wheel chair ramp.  He must be in the Zen Room.  We'll get him up to the lab with the
triple electro fagot magnet that as you all know only attracts cock rings and prince
alberts.  Here he comes, you can here him crashing through the pink pastel tile like 
the kool-aide dude through the big wall of ice cubes. OHHHH YEAAHH! Finally a ramp and 
it rolls him right down to Frank where she puts her platform in his crotch.  A little 
snotty conversation and Frank shuts off the magnet .  

Why, what's this? As sound from the Jell-O mold.  How did the magnet effect Janet?  It 
only attracts cock rings and prince alberts.  Katie, is there something you're not telling
 us?  ROCKY HORROR ROLL CALL  The record comes to a screeching halt.  Where the hell did
 Charles come from?  No one even saw him come in.  He must have teleported or something.
 It's a good thing he arrived all in the right order instead of like on Space Balls 
where it was a crap shoot as to whether or not your ass would be on the wrong side of 
your body.  Rocky was a bad little creation.  Frank made him and can break him just as 
easily.  Next time she'll put him back together as a black man in more ways than one.

"Master, dinnah is pre-pay-ahed!"  That's the dinner bell, formal dress or even clothes 
for that matter are to be optional.  Riff and Magenta bring out the food  only to find 
another prank in progress.  Starman was playing Dr. Scott but he had switched places with
Star whom was playing  Frank as we already know.   My head is starting to spin now. 
What's that smell?  It's coming from the kitchen.  No I didn't fart.  It's meatloaf if 
you know what I mean *wink * wink.*  "Another slice anyone?"  Amy excuses herself from 
the table and screams in horror when she realizes her vibrator was switched out with a
chainsaw.......after the fact. EEEWWW.

Are we spontaneously bursting into song again?  Oh, and the hand jive too?  Oh, the 
humanity.  Hmm,  I keep forgetting Frank is an alien so I guess it would be the alienity.
This is turning out to be a very musical eulogy.  Frank is not pleased by this or the 
celery.  So what do drag queens do best? Throw hissy fits, right?  Frank yanks the cloth 
off the table to reveal they were all eating off of Eddie's casket!  Screams! Gasps! 
Katie goes running into English's embracing protective arms to Frank's dismay.   Frank 
is sooo not gonna tolerate this.  She runs over to them and *BITCH SLAP JANET*

And they're off! Up the isles and through the audience...again.  Frank sure does do a 
lot of running through the audience doesn't she?  Although I'm not complaining.  I 
rather enjoy all of these boobs bouncing about. Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy back onto the 
stage only to have her tacky white shoes frozen to the floor.  Oh, Frank is such a 
hotdog.  Or so they keep telling her.  She knows how to shut them up though.  "I'll 
just have Magenta turn them all into plaster statues one by one. Muah ha ha ha."  "Oh, 
not Columbia too. I didn't raise my children to back sass me."  "Rocky's behaving just 
the way that Eddie did."  Hello Fucktard, you split their brains between the two of them.

Well, by this time I had just about had it and went ape shit on Frank. "I grow veary of 
zsis vorld, ven shall ve return to Transylvania HUH!?"  Pretty good accent aye, I'm not 
even Eastern European.  Star practically jumped over the seats in fear.  Star, I know 
I'm ugly but I didn't know I was that scary.  What does this say about Glenn, he married 
me and plays Riff along side of me without complaint.  He's either really brave or really 
slow.  Enough of this shit, lets get ready for the floor show but, not before a little 
elbow quickie.  Fucking over the handicapped is more fun than it sounds.

This part is my specialty, hair, make-up, and costume.  But not on Rocky, he's sooo 
perfect.  Nanny, nanny boo boo.  Could Columbia draw her laces any tighter?  Her corset's 
so tight she Ooops! Peek-a-boo goes the nipple.  Oh and there goes another prank.  Amy's 
wearing white instead of black.  Columbia hardly has the reputation to be wearing white. 
Everyone will be whispering at the reception.  It just goes to show Amy is a wild and an 
untamed thing.  Everyone in the pool and swim around in a watery orgy.  Last one in has to 
be in the sequel.  Sorry Amy, how do you feel about green nurse's uniforms?  Sanity for Today 
kids. (That's a Shock Treatment reference for those of you who are confused. Another Richard 
O'Brien work of strangeness.)  

Ziegfield Follies/Rockette time!  Kick line!  Kriss Kross'll make ya wanna JUMP JUMP!  
Daddy Mac'll make ya wanna JUMP JUMP!  And Shimmy! A few more kicks and...Oh, shit 
my parents are home.  GLENN! GLENN! GLENN! GLENN! GLENN! GLENN! GLENN! 
Glenn's the man, goin' to work. Got his tie, got ambition.  Middle management is right in his 
grasp.  It's a dream he will never let die!  Glenn's the man of the hour he's the king of his cube.  
Status quo reports have finally met their rival.  Burning his candle at both ends, on his way to 
the top.  HE KNOWS ONE DAY HE JUST COULD BECOME SUPERVISOR! (sung to the 
tune of "Eye of the Tiger")

Resume Show Now

We're in trouble now.  Riff and Magenta appear at the door looking strangely like pebbles Flintstone 
and the bride of Frankenstein. it's a mystery as to why they are wearing purple space suits. I have a 
theory though.  They are Royal Aliens back home in Transylvania.  Los Bastardos are the only cast 
in the world that have purple space suits because we are privie to this information, savvy?  

WAIT!  Frank has an explanation for his ADHD behavior and it's not because he forgot to take his 
medication.  Oh, he's homesick.  Lets get an "Awwwwww" from the crowd as we all rise for the 
Queen.  "How sentimental", I'm such a bitch, just ask Glenn.  "Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya, 
you killed my father.  Prepare to die." ( I thought his name was Glenn.)  STOP SAYING THAT.  
Frank you dum dum, we're only taking ourselves and the house back to Transylvania.  That screaming 
bitch in the isle has got to go I think I'll shove my "Laser" in her mouth. "OH, SHIT, HE'S SERIOUS!"  
Frank runs away in terror.  She thinks she can get away by climbing up the curtains.   "I'll just give 
her a taste of my trusty laser,"  snickered Riff.  Frank falls to the stage floor conveniently covered 
by a death shroud which used to be the curtains.  The herald of angels is bustling under there.  
No, Rocky you'll let them out! Damn, I really was not in the mood for church music tonight.  
Rocky cradles Frank in his arms, he has a grimace of pain, or is that constipation, across his face.  
He's not pooping kids, he's just thinking real hard.  "Enough of all of this moaning, I hear 
enough bitching at home.  "Glenn, do the dishes, Glenn, take out the trash, Glenn, quit smoking, 
Glenn, Glenn, Glenn" bitch, bitch, bitch."  He can't shoot me with a laser at home folks so he decides 
to take it out on Rocky.  Frank and Rocky fall from the RKO tower in true King Kong reminiscence
except for the Tarzan yell at the end before they splash into the pool.  Why does the fag sink and the 
rock float in this picture.  Because they are aliens, duh.

"Way to go Riff, you killed them, I needed Rocky to reach the pedals in the co pilot's seat, you know 
I have short legs.  Besides they liked you."  Magenta bitching again.  "THEY DIDN'T LIKE ME! 
THEY NEVER LIKED ME!"  Flashbacks from high school trigger that low self esteem like nothing 
else.  Dr. Scott's cool with it.  He's been trying to kill Frank for years.  What's this?  Dr. Scott is 
having contractions, I guess I'll have to deliver the baby.  Holy mother of whatever.  That is one 
ugly baby.  "Kick the Baby"  "Don't kick the god damn baby" it must have been Canadian.

You had better Skidaddle  kids.  I don't have the cargo room for all of your bodies.  Now!  Did I 
hear my brother right? We's a goin' back to sweet home Transylvania.  Where the shores are 
drenched with moon.  We's a gonna sang n' dance one more time and we'll be a pickin' and a grinnin' 
and the whole world will wanna Time Warp Again!

Meanwhile, as the house launches on its one way trip Transylvania, the smoke rises (use your
imaginaaaaation)  in the audience and brad appears confessing his sins.  Oh, there's Janet.  Hey, I 
thought this was Rocky Horror not CATS, although if you've seen Katie's Felicia costume you 
wouldn't mind her dressing up as a cat..  Um, I'm starting to get dizzy, the transies are spinning the 
world. Damn they really are multitaskers, they can do everything.  Well, I guess you can't always 
get what you want.  Just remember we are all only insects called The Human Race and we are lost 
in time, lost in space, and Meaning.

The moral of this story is don't let your cats climb on the curtains because they will tear them down 
and the moment you try to pick them up, you will have angelic choir music booming through your 
house in surround sound.  Thank you folks for sticking with me to the end of this unusually long 
show report. So, lets all raise our glasses in a toast.  To absent Friends, Long may they be present, 
and long live the Sixty Nine.