Gwen's Corner

Salutations, Children of the Night!  Tis I, the ever-loving, 
brown-eyed Starman, here to report upon the show of February 25th.  
Why me?  Cause Donna was sick of it and I was the only cast member 
man enough to volunteer.  That, and Leah thinks my show reports are 
funny and that will hopefully take the edge off of the really really 
bad thing things that happened while she was away.
 
I'm just kidding Leah!  Nothing bad happened.  Everyone behaved like 
perfect angels.
 
*mutters to himself* Hell's Angels…
 
Anyway, we started out with some dancing.  Black Eyed Pea's Retarded 
followed by some nice Middle-eastern dance song I couldn't place 
followed by the Milk Shake song, YMCA and then a DJ remix of "Kyle's 
Mom is a Big Fat Bitch" from South Park. 
 
I agree with Animal – we need a guy named Kyle on cast so we can play 
that song and laugh at him.  If he's Jewish, so much the better.  Hey, 
maybe we can get the Jewish Bling guy to change his name to Kyle and 
join cast.  That'd be cool on so many levels.
 
Speaking of which, The Jewish Bling guy (we'll have his real name known 
shortly, I am sure) was kind enough to film me and Animal doing the rules 
tonight.  I didn't get a chance to watch it yet (camera battery died part 
way during the show and it is currently recharging… heh… current… recharge… 
electric… ha!) but I got to watch one minute of it while rewinding the tape 
and it looked pretty kick ass.
 
And why was I filming the reading of the rules and other things, which I 
will discuss later, you might ask?  Good question, I might say.  I would 
then answer, we are filming footage for a Best of the Bastards DVD.  It'll 
contain various bits of random fun during the show, a Transie Cam AND Dr. 
Scott Cam feature, at least one "full" show of the movie made up of multiple 
clips from multiple shows, some cast interviews, behind the scenes footage, 
some historical features such as the original Hey Mickey performance and the 
music videos we showed back in the days when we had a digital projector, 
songs and footage from the up-coming All-Con show.
 
Anyway, the show was a blast on several levels.  Let's run down the line up 
of people and see what I can say about them.
 
Frank was played by BEAU.  Beau puts up with a lot of abuse from the 
floorwalkers and we respect him for that.  Well, I do anyway.  He had some 
regular jump him and start humping him while riding him piggyback so… yeah, 
give Beau some props.  This will, incidentally, be on the video.
 
Janet was played by ERIS, who is taking all the jokes about her recent loss 
of innocence (well, virginity anyway - how innocent can she be doing Rocky for 
the last two years?) quite well.  Even when she was abandoned in the tank when 
the men decided they'd much rather harass Rocky (who tried to flee to the Lesbian 
Scene for shelter), she still kept her spirits up… among other things.
 
Brad was played by AMY, for the second week in a row.  There's not much to say 
that wasn't said last week except for two things.  First, Amy does a disturbingly 
good job of dressing and acting like a guy for a chick with such a nice rack.  
Second, her "men's" underwear disturbs me in ways that only H.P. Lovecraft novels 
were previously capable of doing.
 
Riff was played by SHANNON for the first time in a while.  Man, what is with the 
chicks playing guy parts this week?  You'd think somebody would be man enough to 
take on the lovely women of this cast.  And normally I would be, but somebody has 
to run the camera, write the reports and yell loud annoying things from the seats.  
And that somebody is me since I own the camera, have a computer and am loud and 
annoying.  Just like Shannon. :P
 
Maggie was played by BIZAH.  I'm also going to add that Columbia was played by KATE.  
They are sisters.  They like girls.  They like doing things that are illegal everyplace 
except Alabama.  And during the infamous Lesbian Scene of yore, not only did Kate wind 
up in nothing but her panties and a smile but some random audience girl was picked up 
and dropped in the middle of Lesbian Central.  Much fun to all… except for the audience 
girl, who is apparently the only NON Bi girl who comes to our show.
 
JAMES was Eddie for the first time in a long while and, I must say he kicked much 
ass.  He did the lift expertly and chased everyone quite well.  Animal, incidentally, 
played Yakkity Sax (aka The Benny Hill theme) as all the Transies were being 
chased around by Eddie on his motorcycle. 
 

And this seems as good a time as any to mention the Transies for 
tonight; JJ, POB, CORY, MARC, AMMANDA, JON, EMILY, KATIE, 
ENGLISH and MELISSA.  They did a great job, including improvising 
a kick-line during a sudden bit of madness during the Creation 
scene. 


The dullest scene in the movie, we usually try to liven it up with a bit 
of music.  In this case, Animal played a lounge jazz version of 
DISTURBED'S "Down With The Sickness".  Beau grabbed the 
microphone and begin giving lip-synching in a way to put Ashlee 
Simpson to shame were she actually smart enough to grasp the 
concept of shame.   Preston even accompanied him on the plastic 
Eddie sax.  And that brings us back to where we started on this
tangent with Eddie.  (Yes, this will be on the DVD as well).

 
Dr. Scott was played by MIKE.  MIKE does a good job as Dr. Scott,
though he tells me he doesn't feel able to play the character as 
well as I do.  Well, I thank him for that but he is better than he lets on.
If nothing else, I think he beats me on being able to keep going 
undistracted better.  I break character to easily if the other actors 
are trying to decorate me while I am doing my big speech or song.

 
STAR was Rocky Horror.  Yes, A BLACK ROCKY?  You know, that 
Mel Brooks joke is starting to get a little stale.  At least it kind of 
made sense at Halloween when she was a sexy cowgirl with a 
badge and we were all shouting "A Black Sheriff?"  Aren't we 
above such cheap referential humor?  Nah.  Not really.

 
And finally, last but not least among the core cast, CRISTY was 
the Criminologist.  The person who spends most of the show
watching everyone else, occasionally standing up to deliver 
a line and be molested by the floorwalkers.  It's a thankless 
job sometimes, but Cristy does it without complaint.  At least, 
I've never heard her complain.


The floorwalkers?  Well, there was me but modesty forbids me talking
about how great I am. Then there is  PRESTON, who is always good 
as security, Eddie OR a floorwalker.  ANIMAL, who doesn't need me to
say anything nice about him – his ego is big enough as it is without 
me complementing the brilliance of him playing the "You Have AIDS" 
song from Family Guy over Dr. Scott' singing "Eddie's Teddy".    
And since I was busy filming for part of the evening, I gave MELISSA 
and MARC permission to shout in my stead.  And from what
I heard, they did not betray my trust in them.

 
We have the best damn tech crew I've ever worked with in any
theatrical establishment.  So SEAN, JON,  ROBERT, POB, 
CHARLES, DEANNA, DANNY, JAMES and anyone else I forgot who 
run the lights, lift heavy stuff and generally make things work?  
Good job!


Next week; BASTARD GRAS!  There will be even more gratuitous 
sex and nudity than usual, so come early and often on March 4th.  
There IS a limit on how many people we can seat safely and the last 
theme show DID sell out.  So don't get left out in the cold, beadless 
and friendless – get your tickets as early as possible next Saturday 
evening.

 
And don't forget, 13 days from that is St. Patrick's Day, Star's Birthday
AND our show at All-Con.  Tickets for the con are $10 for a day pass, 
so this is a little pricier than our usual shows.  However, that $10 
bucks will get you into the other convention events for that same
day and it looks like they will have a lot of cool stuff besides us.  
But even if all you care about is us, don't worry.  Your $10 fee ALSO 
gets you into a "Meet the Cast" after-party to be held after the show is 
over.  Check www.losbastardos.com for more information.

 
That's all for now.  It's 5 am Saturday and I am tired.  Until the next 
time I volunteer, this is Starman reminding you that the two most common 
things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.  And I'm not all that 
sure about hydrogen.