Gwen's Corner

Frank - Beau (Edward Scissorhands)
Janet - Gillian (Annoying Happy Valentines Girl)
Brad - Fred (Anti-Candy Heart)
Riff - Glenn (Kurt Cobain)
Magenta - Leah (Courtney Love)
Columbia - Amy (Lenore from Edgar Allan Poe's the "Raven")
Rocky - Star and Dolly (Emo Chick)
Eddie - Preston
Dr. Scott - Mike (Terry Schiavo)
Crimmie - Shannon (I was myself...)

Transies - Ammanda, Jennifer, Marc, Cory, Brittanie, Bizah, Kate, POB

Techies - Jon, Charles, Robert, James, Deanna, Danny

Floorwalkers - Animal, Starman, Minion, Preston

Ah, Valentines Day. The one day most people absolutely can't stand for one reason or another. Whether you're a jaded lover or just someone who thinks the holiday is "fake". We with Los Bastardos sympathsize. And for that reason we had our annual Death to Valentine's Day show this Saturday! Last year was a day full of Bloody Carrie, a Dead Juliet, Bride of Death and so much more. This Year we brought you that same Bastard humour with Lenore... the words "Nevermore" written in blood across her dress, and the doomed husband and wife team of Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love. And loves ultimate controversay... Terry Schiavo. Okay, enough of the commercial sounding shit. So yes, Death to Valentine's show. It was fucking hilarious and if you weren't there then ...poo into you. Or something...

So, I have a minor complaint before we get into preshow activities. I HAD ALMOST NO BOY VIRGINS TO PLAY WITH THIS WEEKEND. Animal didn't get his boy sacrifice, just all girls. Which, he PROBABLY didn't mind, but still. So, all you people who come to shows regularly, bring me boys to sacrifice damnit! Preferably 17+ and wearing underwear so that I can have Animal mock them. Kay? Thanks! So yes, due to the lack of boyage, Animal had me get four girls and we had team bra racing, which was interesting considering 3 of the 4 girls was wearing long sleeves. It took FOREVER for team two to get their bras off. Guess they don't get much practice. The team with the girl who told me "OH! I'm really good at that!" when I explained bra races to her out in the lobby, won. So you are honey...so you are.Before we did the pledge Animal informed everyone that we are making a video of the audience for out upcoming appearence at All-Con and needed a little bit of extra participation on their behalves. So, English, armed with the video camera stood up to get all our little sheep on film. Animal looked out amongst our audience and spotted...BUM BUM BUUUUUMMMMM....Poor Jewish Dude and Friends! PJD was wearing his "jewish bling" again. Well, that just got Animal going. So he had the whole audience saying "Seig Heil!" "& Freinds" turned to "salute" PJD who was flipping us off with a smile. I think I love the group of PJD&F, they crack me up. But really, I need to learn their names...not that they'll ever get used...but just for my frame of mind. So preshow ended we started the fucking flick...or did we? The silly projectionist wasn't on his game and we got in the little song Shit Motherfucker before the movie actually started. But yes, there were lips! And they were good lips! But Rocky's lips weren't moving...Dolly's was.

You see, Star informed me that Emo Kids don't do anything...their dolls do. They act out through their dolls. Fucking weirdos. So, Star had with her a stuffed doll with black hair and a red nose. Kinda reminded me of what wouldhappen if Frank and Rudolph produced a child. Anyways, she's kinda scrunched up to herself and making the doll do the dance for opening. It was really really funny.

She used the doll off and on most the night between loud crying screams. The only time poor little Emo chick even seemed a little happy was when Bouncy Happy "I love Valentines Day" Gillian tried to "make it better" in the tank. Then English and Minion had to go and make her sad. So the two girls ran away to join the lesbian scene and the boys played together. I don't know if they even realized the girls were gone until it was too late. Silly boys.Moving right along. Everyone knows and loves Leah. She's a very...bountiful, beautiful girl. But her costume this weekend....DAMN. I mean, really, that's all I can say. She was totally acting the part of a cracked out whore too. Taking sniffs from some object she pulled out of her very short, ratty shorts and causing fights with her poor husband/brother/Marine.

And Glenn...never without a cigarette in his mouth went for the punchline in the end and killed himself, but not before he shot poor...poor Beau several times with an automatic "shoot sharp plastic stingy things" weapon. Beau should've just stopped moving. It would have been better. But that's okay. Beau has informed me that he will get all of them back one day. Vengenece shall be his. Sure...whatever you say Beau. Madame Leah dragged Glenn's corpse off stage. It was just one of those laugh, groan, shake head, move on moments.

We had our Happy Gillian. She was in pink and red with little hearts in her hair and a little cute, pastel heart necklace..and GAH!!! God, she was so cute and "TeeHee! I love this holiday" you kinda wanted to smack her. But we couldn't do that. We love our Limey. As she ran away from Frank she was handing out Valentines to random audience members. Awwww *gag* Speaking of things to gag on. Fred was an anti-Valentines candy heart. He was wearing boxers that had little hearts all over them and a big red heart around his neck that said "Blow Me"

He should talk to Frank about that. They are free from him afterall. Speaking of Frank. OMG!! I love Beau. He looked really really good as Edward Scissorhands! Even his Scissorhands! They were awesome! I think he said he spent about 6 hours of them. I was very very impressed. And he kept stabbing himself in the face and one point in the crotch. He was a sad, sad Eddie.

Oh wait...no. That was Preston. Though, I don't imagine he was sad until the moment he was scewered to death by Frank. Though, he did have it coming. Frank might have let him live if he had actually let him play with the sticky ball dart thingy. But NOOOOO, Eddie had to be a meanie head and trick poor Frank. Awwwww. No Valentines chocolate for you!

The lift kinda made me sad, cause there really wasn't one. But I guess that couldn't be helped really. I tried really hard to think of how it was going to be possible in Amy's really long, Victorian styled dress and came up with no real conclusion short of stripping her. Then she coulda been Lizzy Borden covered in blood, as opposed to Lenore. But I don't think she'd go with the naked lift thing, even though I think everyone else would be onboard with that idea. But yes, Amy never ceases to amaze me with the crazy shit she comes up with. She's reallly fond of blood you see. Last year she went as Carrie after she had the blood dropped on her. This year she went as Lenore, from Edgar Allen Poe's poem "The Raven". She was dressed in a really long, white, BLOOD DRIPPED dress with the words "Nevermore" written across her chest. It was kinda creppy really. And she carried around a Raven.

Now, one of my favorite costumes of the night. Garunteed to make the more....politically correct people hate...Mike. I love Mike. Mike was Terry Schiavo. We all know who Terry Schiavo is yes? She's the woman in Florida who is being fought over. Her husband wants to pull the plug (she's been a vegetable for years) and her parents won't let him. Awwww...true love. I fell over laughing. Glenn kept pulling the "respirator" out of his mouth and Fred kept having to put it back in. ....That sounded wrong but you get the point.

Our transies were loud, obnoxious, and generally Transies. They danced, screamed, and harrassed poor Emo Chick. Awwww. And there was me. But I'm not important. I didn't do anything interesting and nothing interesting was done to me. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! I love it when that happens. It's a rare pleasure!! So yes, that was the show in a nutshell. We have a LOT of special announcements though.

1. All-Con. Friday, March 17th. Pre-show STARTS at 11. They are giving Animal an HOUR to do whatever he wants. He is planning a preshow to knock ALL YOUR socks off. So if you come for no other reason, then come for that. You should be afraid...or in complete awe. One or the other. As a sidenote to the convention, we seem to be planning an after-show party in the suites. I know that audience will be invited to come and play with the Bastards afterhours, but I'm not entirely sure how it's going to work out. As soon as I get more information from the Madame I will post it and let all you know.

2. Next week, is a last minute special show. Apparently someone on cast is ...no longer as pure as they once were. So we will be having a Death of Innocense thing going on. Come and find out who it was. And no...it wasn't me. That'll never happen. So nyah :-P